Sunday, May 31, 2009

All the energy just falls out

This new way of waking up and I’m not sure if it’s a good thing, the first time it happens I know it’s too early but it’s like the switch just goes on and now I hear the white noise generator and feel the wind in my apartment instead of whatever else was going on in my head I know it’s too early but should I look at the clock anyway, okay when I see the light I’ll just think this is the dream this light is the dream now I can go back into the darkness and oh, 11:23, right, too early, time to take the homeopathic remedy again don’t get angry at myself I was just checking don’t get angry it’s okay.

When I wake up again it’s like the sound on my dream switches off no it’s the sound and image like one of those old TV sets with the dial instead of a button except I can’t bring the picture back by turning the dial in the other direction. One minute a friend is going around the room to explain how she met each of us, it’s her birthday party she’s making cookies someone made the cookie dough a while back she figures she might as well put it in the oven. Now we’re in her room, first she shows us the changes she made like a shade on the inside of the closet door is something she’s wanted for a while and then she’s going around the room to tell us when she met each of us, and I’m the final one and as the sound and picture fade she’s telling us about her slippers that’s when I notice she’s a cartoon bear no a dog but she can stand on her legs and I’m trying to bring the picture back so I can find out how we met.

I wonder if this new way of waking has something to do with the thyroid hormone I started taking except wouldn’t it have happened on the first day, I don’t think it happened on the first day. The first day I started to get this throbbing headache in my temples on the bus and then I got wired, I was lying on the table at feldenkrais and I kept flinching I just wanted to get up and walk away, then I was doing that thing with my mouth where my tongue keeps going around my teeth like I’ve taken a bit of speed and later when I got in bed I was totally wired at first way more wired than usual like I was actually gritting my teeth and these are old patterns old old patterns that the hormone was bringing back, not a good thing.

So then the next day I took a quarter of one pill, since the first day I was taking the lowest dose and the pill won’t break into anything smaller than a quarter in any reliable way, and the quarter didn’t give me the headache but it did make me wired and I guess it wasn’t a terrible thing but I think it’s supposed to make me feel calm, wired means that it’s too much for my system and then the more annoying thing was that I started to feel the tips of my fingers and toes in this weird irritated way I don’t think it was my circulation which would be a good thing because my hands were colder than usual it was more like I could feel my skin underneath my nails like an itch or something I remember this happened a while back, a strange fibromyalgia symptom, and I hated it.

So the third day I decided not to take the pill, but then I’m talking to the homeopath and she says oh, that sounds like homeopathy where sometimes the symptoms get worse right away, and then I wonder if I should’ve taken the pill even though the nurse said I should stop if I got the same symptoms. And then suddenly I just feel so exhausted, I mean at the beginning of the conversation with the homeopath I was saying I guess I feel okay, I feel okay today but then 20 minutes later it’s like all the energy just falls out like these new ideas that might help but they don’t.

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