Tuesday, May 19, 2009

From one place to another

So I’m lying in bed all wired but I know it’s too early so I try to calm myself back into drifting but no I’m still wired so I look at the clock: 1:05, which really means 12:45 or so, which is early, but not that early -- maybe I should get up. Then I close my eyes and realize no, I can’t get up, but I’m not going to try to force myself to fall back asleep because that’s when I end up with a sinus headache, so I’ll just lie here and relax, hugging the pillow it does feel comfortable. Except then I’m in this place between sleep and not-sleep a horrible heaviness in my head like if I open my eyes everything will still be dark or if it’s light it will puncture me, just lying there in that space for a while, one side and then the other and then I look at the clock and it says 3:10 and now I’m annoyed at myself, crossing that boundary into the place that feels too late and I can’t decide whether I feel any better.

Yes, it’s one of those days when all I want to do is read, but I have to do it very carefully -- a few pages at a time so that I can outwit the pain but it never works because I keep thinking just one more, and then that’s the one that makes everything hurt, but maybe just one more I can’t even disappear into that excitement of a world not my own that helps me to understand my own because I keep having to stop. I’m trying to figure out what makes my body hurts so much from reading -- is it just turning the pages, taking notes, or sitting in a particular way, or do I stop breathing? I always stop breathing --sometimes I think that’s how I get from one place to another.


Anonymous said...

Maybe you have reading apnea

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Maybe :)

Love --