Thursday, May 21, 2009

The sandbox

A shower is not a drug -- that’s what I remind myself, getting into the hot water zone for a second time. I wish there wasn’t the chlorine factor, I would change the filter but I can’t tell if it works. There’s a fine line between the point where my body relaxes and the point where my shoulders tense up, the point where my head clears and the point where it closes. It’s hard not to stay in past those points, especially when it takes so long to get warm since there’s so little hot water pressure. I guess I’ve fallen into another exhaustion period -- I guess everything is a cycle, but the problem is that my cycle just goes from completely exhausted and unable to function to not quite as exhausted and kind of able to function. Where’s the point of supreme rest and calm and vibrant energy, other than a quick high at 1 a.m. before a certain crash?

Here at the computer, I’m already crashing -- my forehead crinkling into bruises except bruises don’t crinkle maybe my forehead is pulsating is the voice activation software headset too tight? The screen too bright? My breathing too shallow? My posture putting me into an uncomfortable angle? Is there a comfortable angle? Today I thought: one day I will escape the mold, it’s always there underneath the surface in this apartment. But will I escape the mold, the smoke, the pollution -- all at once? That’s hard to imagine. Maybe I should focus on escaping the pain, now why does my jaw hurt? I guess I should get up from this chair -- I keep thinking I should go on more walks, or earlier walks, but then I’m so tired it doesn’t really seem possible. I move from the kitchen counter to the kitchen table to the desk chair to the bathroom to the stretching mat to the desk chair to the stove to the kitchen sink to the stretching mat to the kitchen table to the bathroom to the desk chair to the kitchen table. Where else is there to go?

Last night I made it to the top of the hill again and it felt so great because lately I’ve only been able to walk a few blocks uphill and then I always walk too far anyway I mean I guess the problem isn’t walking too far the problem is getting back. The air felt fresher than it’s been -- no more stale humidity just that clear fresh cold wind. Last night I did get exhausted, but not more exhausted than when I’ve walked less so that felt kind of comforting. I like walking in the grass, even though it was wet from the sprinkler and you can only walk about 10 steps before you’re back to cement it still felt good for my legs, my feet stopped hurting so I walked in the sandbox too or maybe it’s not a sandbox since it’s a lot of sand and there’s a whole swing set and jungle gym and rings to use that seem awfully high for kids but maybe those are for older kids. I wish I could use those bars it seems like it would be fun to exercise on them. The air up at the top of the hill was so fresh I even tried going down the slide in the playground it made such a loud noise.

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