Saturday, May 09, 2009

Something else

Yesterday I went to this event at Kirk Read’s house about the effect of the internet and communication technologies on people’s lives and it was fun to get together with people who I mostly knew, but don’t see that much, and sit in a circle and talk about something meaningful and stressful and full of contradictions and intimate too. Afterwards I actually felt energetic and clear, which is so so rare after socializing so it must’ve been a good thing, right?

But then today I can barely function -- I actually slept okay, and I sat on the fire escape and then I even went outside and sat on the back stairs of the Mitchell Brothers Theater, my second home for sunbathing -- it’s always warm there, though, so even though it was 6 pm the perfect time never to get burnt, I kept thinking: oh no, I’m getting burnt. And then I left before I got too tired, but also not before I got too tired, because I was already too tired I was actually surprised that I made it to that back stairwell painted green and complete with a new sign that says no trespassing. I kept practicing my line for the cops: I’m not trespassing, I’m just trying to get some sun. They drove by at one point and looked at me, but then kept driving.

Sometimes I can’t figure out what helps me to function, and what destroys me. Tonight’s that club with a back room that I always want to go to, but I know I can’t go because of the smoke and the smoke machine, and I want to go anyway, but also I’m glad that I’m not going, because I know what the aftermath would be. But it would be nice to socialize with people, or more specifically fags that turn me on, or might turn me on anyway -- turn me on in my head, and that’s a start, right?

Earlier I was thinking maybe tonight would be a good time for Buena Vista, but that was before I realized I wouldn’t have any energy all day -- none, really -- and the problem with Buena Vista is that even if I get to the top I’m not usually attracted to anyone there anyway. It’s too familiar -- the same types, the same types I’m not attracted to. Maybe for a moment, but then. I mean I’ve already done so many of those moments -- I just want to have sex with someone where there’s that immediate charge, even if it doesn’t mean anything then at least there’s that charge, right? Someone who I’m craving, not just because they’re kind of attractive.

All I want to do is read, but I’ve already reached the point where my arms are hurting, so now I have to do something else. I just can’t figure out what that is.

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