Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Staring up at the sky

It might be time for me to leave. San Francisco. I’m getting my apartment ready, ready so that it gets to that point where if I walked in and it wasn’t my apartment, I would feel so calm and manic. Do you know what I mean? I want everything to be in place, everything to fly.

Don’t worry -- I’m not leaving yet. I might not even leave, I’m just saying that it might be time. At the moment my plan is to stay for two years, and finish my next book that I haven’t started yet, I mean I have several hundred pages of writing, but I haven’t started it as a book. It’ll take a while. It’s the book that starts when I visited my father before he died, continues with trying to regain a sense of hope in my own sexuality, the end of friendships and dreams and communal possibilities, the overwhelm of the everyday, and maybe even childhood. I might even call it The End of San Francisco.

Do you see what I’m saying? It might be the end. I’m not sure that I can dream here, in the way that I want to dream, although I’m not sure that I can dream anywhere else. I mean I’m not sure that I’ll get anything more than those moments of staring up at the sky or down at the buildings mostly down at the buildings and up too when everything makes sense. But I need more.

So my idea -- and it’s just an idea at the moment -- is that maybe in about two years I’ll sublet my apartment and go on a long trip and visit people in different cities across the US and Canada, hopefully get to Europe too so I can visit Andee and cities I don’t know at all really, just in case, and then I’ll come back and decide what I’m doing. I’d love to spend a few months in Montréal at some point, too. It’s hard for me to decide whether I feel worse and worse because of my health or because everything keeps failing me, or both, and what it would mean to feel better I mean I want to feel way way better before I leave, if I leave, or even if I go on this trip I want to start the trip feeling great because how else will I do it but sometimes I think I stay here because I might feel worse somewhere else -- I mean everything might be worse because of the weather or my living conditions or the culture or the people -- but mostly what I like about San Francisco at this point is structural, about the landscape or the routes through the city that I know, or the ways in which familiarity can sometimes hold me and an occasional random interaction and that’s not enough. For a while I thought I was here to stay, I guess what has changed is that now I’m not sure.

Still I wonder about this wondering: if I barely have enough energy to engage here, where my life is more or less stable, how will I engage somewhere else? I mean engage in the most basic ways of day-to-day living, or the impossibilities of social interactions without any stability, do I really want to figure those things out again, in another new city? I don’t know yet, but I’m thinking about it.

5 comments:

Kevin said...

don't go!

thissouthernfaggot said...

You always have a place to stay in Arkansas, Mattilda.

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Kevin, don't worry, for now I'm only thinking about it...

And thissouthernfaggot, thank you thank you thank you :)

Love --
mattilda

davka said...

Mattilda, I am speaking now with privilige as I really can't imagine what traveling and moving is like for someone with your disability, but I think there is a chance that traveling and moving around might ignite some excitement and freedom and life inside you that might make it easier than you anticipated and might help alleviate some of the physical symptoms.

Right now my neighborhood and my city is so haunted by my lost/missings and other shit that I am totally lacking in a sense of newness, adventure, life.

I am planning a trip this summer but I am making sure it isn't too challenging because my mental health is just not the best right now and I get so easily afraid and overwhelmed when I deviate from my routines, but also my routines are really making me depressed and I am craving new people and places I can't imagine yet. You always have a place in Pittsburgh, as well.

<3<3<3

Can't wait for the new book!!!

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Davka, thank you as always for your gorgeous insight and support and empathy!!!

And I so so relate to this: "I get so easily afraid and overwhelmed when I deviate from my routines, but also my routines are really making me depressed and I am craving new people and places I can't imagine yet."

And thank you for the hospitality in Pittsburgh, yay! With all those crazy frogs...

And yay for your trip, of course let me know if it takes you all the way over here...

Love love love --
mattilda