Friday, May 08, 2009


My favorite thing about manhunt is that I don’t get distracted -- hardly anyone ever writes to me there, or responds to anything I say, so I can just log on and ignore it. Perfect! I mean as perfect as these cruise sites get.

Sometimes I’ll browse the profiles, but not for more than two pages or so or I get too depressed from all the “straight acting dude seeks same” or “masc only,” so it’s not even that distracting and it doesn’t hurt my body too much. The other day I caught a profile that just said “Tenderness?,” so I sent a message with the heading “Wait -- do people still do that?” And he said “I know is it dead I’ve got none from the gays.” I said maybe we need to start, and I even looked it up to see who owned it but really, the URL is still available!

So then we exchanged pictures by email since manhunt limits the way you view photos and the number of messages you can send if you’re not a paying member, and he was really into me and even gave me his phone number -- such a rarity online, right? I’ve practically stopped giving my phone number out, since no one ever calls. But then we ended up talking on the phone and it was fun enough -- we talked about plants and masculinity charades and looking for connection -- he talked about drag and how he used to perform a lot but now he doesn’t like going to bars at all because they’re so boring. He grew up in the Bay Area, but was somehow confused about my name -- how did you get that name? We talked for a while and made a plan to get together and he was nervous that it wouldn’t happen, maybe we should just wait and see but I told him don’t worry, I’m not a flake -- I’m a disaster, but I’m not a flake -- and if you decide you don’t want to come over after all, just give me a call ahead of time -- no problem.

I wasn’t sure whether we would feel a connection or whether I wanted to sleep with him, but I was kind of excited about meeting some random person just to chat and see what might happen. Kind of like real life, right? But guess what happened? He didn’t show, not even a call. So much for tenderness.


stephen said...

you're not a disaster. you're a beautiful person trapped in a reality that *suggests* your choices are disastrous. please plug and i'll be a frequent inhabitant.


mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Darling, this is beautiful:

"you're not a disaster. you're a beautiful person trapped in a reality that *suggests* your choices are disastrous."

And yes yes, we must get tenderness back on track...

Love --

Hilary Goldberg said... wow talk about people missing out, he certainly stood in his own way. yay for tenderness!
and yeah, you're not a disaster, you are gorgeousness


mattilda bernstein sycamore said... -- yes yes let's get it!

And yay for gorgeousness :)

Love --

thissouthernfaggot said...

I feel the same way about manhunt. I am on it all the time, but the thing is that, I live in a small state, so I already recognize everyone on manhunt,, adam4adam, okcupid, connexion, FuckMeFaggot (okay, does not exist, but it should). Sometimes I will see a new face on craigslist.

All of these websites make me want to vomit, but I still frequent them 5 or 6 times a day. It feels like some sort of fucked up family.

I have been thinking about what you said in Assimilate my purse, in august of 2008 and this just reminds me of it more. I really like the whole thing, but what I keep going back to, and possibly finding some form of hope in, is:

Starting somewhere in those first bathrooms when I was 14 I always hoped that somehow I'd meet someone like me, I mean I was there so what about someone else? I'm not sure that's ever happened, and I'm not sure it ever will.I find my self thinking something like that, every time I log into any of those websites, or craigslist, or whatever. I agree that I am not sure anyone on there is like me and I am not sure they will ever be. I am here... so logically at least one other person like me has to be here, too. Right? Maybe? I can hope.

There is that fucking word again.

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Here it's just fucked up, without the family part :(

And thanks for the sweet quote!!! Of course there are others like us there, right? But mostly the spaces and the places in the interactions are so limited that we never find each other anyway...

Love --

Nick said...

Oh, she may be weary...

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

A marathon of tenderness!

Love --

man-of-snows said...

And here you got my hopes up...but of course a story like that ends like that. I mean how else could it end?

The further technology puts us in contact with one another, the more I keep hearing how isolated we all are.

I feel bad that I wasn't surprised that he didn't show up.

I am coming to SF the week before Pride. I am so relieved that I won't be there over Pride weekend!

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Isolated, indeed!!!

But yes yes the week before pride is a much better time to visit -- you must call, so we can make plans for tenderness...

Love --

gayasinstupid said...

Yeah, I recently started cruising manhunt for guys, hoping to finally lose my virginity, and have found nothing but a bunch of jocks4jocks, closeted married men, fatphobes, size queens, and masculinists. For a while I thought it was something wrong with my area, or maybe possibly even me. I mean, I've heard that non-Colt models with stretch marks and "average" penises such as myself have sex...but you'd never guess it looking at these carefully angled ass 'n' cock shots (professionally done, no less!) on manhunt.

So yeah, flipping through the pages I began to realize that perhaps I'm better off just masturbating. I need to get the fuck out of southern Connecticut, it isn't good for one's sense of self-worth. But then again, what place is?


mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Adrian, so so true -- gay cruising seems hideous everywhere, but often the internet seems like the worst of it I'd say -- oh these tragic norms!

Thanks so much for writing, and good luck with everything!!!

Love --