Saturday, June 06, 2009

Hopefully I can escape

Of course there are different kinds of waking up exhausted. Today I wake up feeling okay, which might be the first sign. The first sign of what?

So then I’m cooking and I just feel so agitated, when will this be ready? I mean it hasn’t been that long, but already I’m gritting my teeth and then when I eat it just feels like I’m not really eating, just putting something in my mouth, is this food? I eat more, and then I’m annoyed at the music no not the music I’m just annoyed. And then I realize oh no, this is that type of exhaustion where my eyes kind of close and the only thing I can do is get back in bed, even though I just slept 11 hours I need to get back in bed right away or I’m not going to be able to function.

I love this bed, under the covers and I’m hugging the pillow but then I’m wired again I try to fight it but eventually I pull the eye mask off: oh, this is a good view, a good view of my apartment. I can see all four windows and the sun. I get up for more eating, then I’m in the shower and why does my hair get so dry in the shower, I mean as soon as there’s water on it it’s dry, shampoo makes it worse and I start worrying about the hair that clogs the drain, what if all my hair is falling out and clogging the drain and I don’t care about the drain but what will I do about my hair? More conditioner but my hair still feels brittle in some parts -- I’m getting ready to go outside for a walk in the sun, but maybe instead I should try that henna treatment -- my hair is more important than the sun, right?

I can’t find the directions for the henna treatment I mean I don’t have any directions because I bought it in bulk, something like three scoops in a cup of boiling water but how big were the scoops? I try 3 tablespoons, but it doesn’t seem thick enough. Another tablespoon, but now it’s gritty. I rub it into my hair anyway -- it feels cooling but it looks like it’s drying my hair out. Wait, what if I put green clay in my hair -- maybe the bulk labels were wrong and this is green clay! I rush back into the shower, wash this gritty green substance off and put on more conditioner and then I try to wrap a pillowcase around my head to keep it warm because warm is supposed to help and a towel feels like too much weight but actually the pillowcase feels awkward too I don’t want to hurt my neck so I try a hat.

The conditioner feels cooling too -- maybe I should soak my feet in vinegar again now and then I can cool myself in both directions. The light outside is getting softer, this is my favorite time of the day, the time before the day ends. I know I’m probably worrying more about my hair because I feel so awful, can’t I at least rely on my hair? Tonight there’s some kind of free late-night thing at Yerba Buena -- it’s a museum, so I’m pretty sure there won’t be any smoke, right? Although of course they’re serving liquor, because people need liquor to do anything at night, and I’m sure there will be a whole lineup of chain-smokers right by the door. But Yerba Buena is pretty big, so hopefully I can escape.


matty said...

I hope you were able to escape -- for at least a bit.

I've fallen off the Internet and need to catch up on your blog!

Hey! I'm on my way to no longer smoking! I'm on the patch! ...I think those patches should be free. I'm just sayin'. Anyway, I only had 4.5 cigs yesterday.

Can't sleep -- but what else is new? ...right?

Anyway, sadly -- unlike you --- I will probably be seeking out second hand smoke for the rest of my life. sigh.

I hope you're feeling better, doll. is a long fucking road.


mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Matty, so lovely to hear from you!

And yay for quitting smoking -- believe it or not, I actually smoked, years ago (quit when I was 21), but when I quit I still had attitude about anywhere they didn't allow smoking and I would always sit in the smoking section, and then did last for a while -- addiction is so strange -- but, of course that has changed...

Love --