Saturday, June 13, 2009

Roots

Why do I always hear the phone ring, when it’s not ringing? The sound of piss into water against porcelain, does that really sound like the phone ringing? The sound of plastic shower curtain rings against the metal pole -- yes those are rings, but ringing? The sound of the water in the shower, or is it the wind against the window pane, through the shower curtain and into the water -- is that the phone ringing?

My ears. Outside, it’s one of those nights when I’m worried about disaster, any disaster. Like what happens if some drunk driver slides off the road and into me, against the wall of this building, any building? Maybe I shouldn’t be walking around at 2 am, even though everyone’s looking me in the eyes and it’s kind of festive. What if this metal sewer cover is the next one that will blow off, right as I’m walking over? Like the one just down the street that ended up causing 30-foot high flames and what if I were walking over there right then? What if this car is about to run me over? Here’s the hospital: this is where people go to die, I mean not to die. What is this box outside -- maybe it’s where they put the bodies.

The worse I feel, the more I’m scared of disaster. Because I don’t want this to be permanent. Or, if it is, I don’t want it to be worse. Something about this kind of worrying makes me feel guilty. Because these kinds of accidents happen all the time, but they haven’t happened to me, and I still feel this awful. But wait -- why do I feel guilty?

I think I need to get back to the roots of all of this, those roots in a childhood without safety those roots I’m not sure I want to ground me but they are the roots, right? And roots are for grounding.

I keep walking, past the hospital where I turned because I didn’t want to walk too far but now I think maybe another block, but no just a half a block and I hope this woman doesn’t think I’m following her back downhill -- I’m just trying to get home before I crash.

It actually works, second night in a row of not walking too far and now I feel so much calmer.

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