Tuesday, July 14, 2009


And here I am again, why is my breathing worse than ever, I mean worse than a while -- my whole face clogged shut, is this because of that egg? Wait, burning at the corner of my eyes -- this is familiar -- must be detergent on the eye mask, okay I’ll switch to another, good thing it’s not that light out yet, I don’t feel wired but should I take the homeopathic remedy again right away, just to prevent any more sleep interruption, it helped yesterday. I’ll wait. Oh no now there’s that burping thing, I’ll turn back to the other side where my shoulder hurts more, but it’s easier to burp, now I’m awake, I better take the homeopathic remedy. Oh no now the burping is much worse, right I think it’s the homeopathic remedy that’s giving me this burping -- that’s when my indigestion started last night, right after I took the homeopathic remedy, why does something so delicate as homeopathy do this to me?

I’ll switch to the right side, the feldenkrais practitioner thinks the burping is worse on the left because I don’t relax my body as much of there, but actually my body feels better on the left right now, except for the burping, I mean the inability to burp but the feeling like I need to. Okay, it’s still too stuck on the right, back to the center, oh no I’m too nauseous I have to get up.

I kneel in bed with the eye mask still on, but then I decide maybe the lack of vision is making me more scared, so I take off the eye mask, but I’m still nauseous, so I get up and start walking around, okay TUMS, maybe TUMS are good for this, right this is acid, TUMS are good for acid. But then there’s all that sugar, I’ll have to brush my teeth. Why do I only have Rolaids -- I know it’s the same thing, or almost the same thing, but what the hell is pregelatinized starch? I don’t think I want to eat that.

Okay, a few TUMS in my bag, I’ll chew these, oh no will the sugar keep me up? Into the bathroom to brush my teeth, where is my hot water bottle, I know I used to have a hot water bottle. I’m out of Posumon, so I can’t rub that on my belly, and Tiger Balm makes my eyes burn -- maybe that other one that makes me cold, oh good it helps now I’m burping more, walking around my apartment I wish these blinds worked better, still too much light but I guess it’s dark enough for now. Okay I’m still burping will I always be burping when did this start? I guess a few months ago, although off and on for a long time right after taking various homeopathic remedies in liquid, somehow it’s the liquid that makes me burp even though it’s just water, just the energy of something in water but it makes me burp. It wasn’t awful until that flu, when it ruined me for those two days when I couldn’t do anything, I mean anything except bed, get out of bed, more bed.

Maybe a bath would help, a bath with Epsom salts. I’m trying to avoid writing about how awful I feel -- I don’t want to write about how awful I feel, ever again. Okay, I’ll get back in bed. Oh, I love this bed -- you can take everything away, but I still love this bed. Here’s the burping again, and now I’m nauseous, okay I’ll get up again. Oh no now the pain has expanded upwards, like my stomach is pushing up into my chest. I guess that’s from the TUMS, the TUMS are the only thing in my stomach. This must be the egg, I should’ve stopped after a quarter or a half, I mean I did stop because I felt full but then I didn’t know what I would do with the rest, I mean I could put it in the refrigerator but would I really eat it again -- I didn’t want to waste it, all those chickens in the free range barn with their beaks chopped off, shitting all over one another but they change the water, the water is fresh and it’s handled mechanically so there’s no contamination.

Ouch my stomach hurts so much ouch, should I eat something? Should I eat something, or will that just make this worse? So much for this experiment, this experiment of eating an egg -- I don’t want to write about how awful I feel, ever again. Okay I guess the bath is ready, but will the bath make me nauseous? Should I eat something before the bath? Maybe some quinoa, quinoa is comforting. I don’t know if I’ll eat an egg, ever again -- I mean, is this something worth trying? I don’t know if I’ll feel better, ever again. Some people move to the Southwest, they move to the Southwest because it’s dry, so they can get away from the mold. The mold, and other allergies. I hate hot weather -- I don’t think I could live in the Southwest.

I don’t want to write about it how awful I feel, ever again. Some people just take a pill, they take a pill and then they feel better. Or, if they don’t feel better, they take another pill. If that pill makes them feel better in one way, but worse in another, then they take another pill. Maybe they need a pill to help with that pill. Or another pill. I guess no one just takes one pill.

I get back in bed, ouch, I get back out of bed. Maybe I should have a prescription for some kind of sleeping pill, just for an emergency. I have a bunch of expired ones, I should probably throw those away. I hate sleeping pills. That might be the worst thing I ever tried -- six months of sleeping pills and wow, that was really the bottom. But then the bottom of the bottom was when I decided to stop the sleeping pills, and everything got so much worse than so much worse, I’m so glad I don’t take sleeping pills.

I don’t want to write about how awful I feel, ever again. Some people write about flowers, they write about pretty girls and flowers, oh that makes me think of Alice in Wonderland, the first movie I saw. I was proud that I was going to a movie with my father, I want to say that I was three, this was at the theater in Wheaton, we only went to Wheaton when my father went over to Flora Paoli’s house to pick up something she’d typed for him, a paper he was working on or maybe this was his first book. I liked Flora, because she had a lot of cats.

But Alice in Wonderland, Alice is falling in black-and-white, why were they showing this black-and-white movie? Alice is falling, her hair in the air and mushrooms are talking or maybe that’s the little creatures’ hats, somewhere there must be flowers but Alice is falling and somewhere I scream, did my father really reach over in that theater, so bold no bold is not the word I’m looking for so brazen, did my father really reach down and Alice is falling.

I need to let go of literally, literally was my father’s weapon he knew that I would sit here, years later, and think: literally? Or was it something about the way Alice was falling that reminded me, reminded me of me? My father was a psychiatrist, he knew how memory works. Alice is falling, and my father reaches over, that huge claw that digs into my center, my center that is never my center, my father bends down and rips apart everything in the middle with his teeth devouring my flesh, blood and guts everywhere he’s smacking his lips like he does at the dinner table in an exaggerated attempt at eating like a man, a regular guy, he’s pulling apart my stomach my guts and there, down there -- take it, I don’t want it -- take it, I don’t want any of it, just take it away, take it all away and Alice is falling. My father is a crane, one of those huge metal cranes, pounding into me, tearing me open until there’s no more, no more to open, close. There’s always more -- my father is drilling down through my head, down through my center that isn’t my center, there’s just my head and that pain down there and Alice is falling Alice is falling and I scream.

I don’t remember ever going back to that theater. My father said he was wrong, I was too young to go to a movie, I wasn’t ready.


matty said...

I wish that there were some magic pill. I hope all the pain eases up for you -- and sooner than later.

I keep you in my thoughts.

I've been experiencing all sorts of odd pains and sort of panic attacks.

Changed to a therapist who deals with this sort of hell -- she told me I've been suffering with flashbacks all of my life.

Who knew?

Lewis Carroll's two infamous books are my all time favorite works. ...and, yet they both instill a great deal of terror in me when I read them. ...but, I always read on.

Life is so fucking difficult, but I figure that there must be a point to all this shit. So, I guess I'm still falling down the hole that my father dug.

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

I know -- where oh where is that magic pill?

Yay for new therapists, at least the ones with insight...

Oh, yes -- pains and panic, pains and panic!

It's funny, but I never actually read the Lewis Carroll books -- I thought I might search out that movie, though...

I know -- always that hole -- although wait, the voice activation software typed "whole."

Love --

matty said...

I wonder which film version was playing. There is a good adaptation that was done for the BBC in the 60's and it is in black and white. Maybe that was it.


mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Yeah, I don't know which version it was -- I think it was in a commercial theater, though...

Yes, whole :)

Love --