Sunday, July 19, 2009

The sex life I was missing

For a few minutes in the morning I actually had energy, oh I guess that was before I got out of bed I mean when my brain was going everywhere so I thought I had energy but then I fell back asleep because when I feel that way it really means that within a few minutes I’ll become completely drained and then when I got up I didn’t have energy. But first, before I got up, I wanted to write, everything, and then I wanted to go somewhere to find sex, whatever that is, I mean at least writing gives me satisfaction -- at this point I’m not sure what sex gives me. I had this thought earlier, when I wanted to write there was so much to write that I didn’t think I would write about this thought. I thought: I wonder if I felt more embodied when I was a hooker, because I had to be in my body in order to turn tricks. When I stopped turning tricks, I thought that suddenly I would have this wonderful sex life or at least I would figure out the steps to take to try to get there, and I haven’t figured out anything. But actually, when I moved back to San Francisco almost nine years ago -- nine years, has it really been nine years? Anyway, when I move back nine years ago, I thought I would immediately find the sex life I was missing, because San Francisco is more liberated than New York, right? But now I realize that the sex life I hated in New York was much better than the sex life I have now, which I wouldn’t necessarily call life or sex.

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