Monday, August 24, 2009

The aquarium

I hate these days when I wake up and look at the clock, oh it’s early, that’s good -- not early like still the middle of the night what most people call morning or early afternoon, but early like in the 1 pm to 2 pm area, but then I realize I feel terrible, I’ll just close my eyes for a few minutes so that I can wake up feeling okay, it’s important to get out of bed when at least I’m in a good mood, but then it’s an hour and a half later and I feel much worse. Why am I having this trouble breathing, I mean getting air through my nostrils-- I was noticing that before, and I guess the good thing is that that means this problem went away for a while but now I’m not sure why, I mean why it’s back and I did change the pillowcase last night, maybe it’s detergent residue in the pillowcase, detergent residue from the place that supposedly doesn’t use chemicals but then I get my laundry back. But no, I don’t think it’s the pillowcase, the scent is only a tiny tiny bit but maybe it is that tiny bit and then I get up and open the blinds and there’s the smell of smoke, the smell of smoke filling my apartment from my downstairs neighbors, the downstairs neighbors who smoke all the time now, not just pot smoke but cigarettes too so maybe that’s the problem, it did kind of go away for a few days.

Today is a day for Eats Tapes, these broken screeching whiny beats creaking into something your body I mean the first time I listened to this album I thought it might be the cheesiest techno sounds I’d ever heard like sounds from the wrong side of every synthesizer that tinny tapping rattle screech but wait, a toy horn I can never resist a toy horn like the first time you realize the way sound becomes the sky and then bounce, wait, bounce the wrong side of your body which is your body and that’s today. My favorite part is when the aquarium starts bubbling and that’s when I’m bouncing until I realize oh, did I hurt my right foot again, and oh, maybe my right hand hurts more and I need to cook before everything gets worse and I hate thinking about all these things, all these things every day like oh no, yesterday I did too much editing, too much means just enough to get my brain started but oh my hands, my sensitive hands, these hands I need for chopping vegetables, turning more pages, and did I mention the shooting pains in my belly as soon as I got out of bed? So at least I know it’s not because of the amino acids, the amino acids I haven’t taken yet today -- sometimes I worry my body is getting addicted to them, or maybe the artificial flavors they add to them are irritating my gut. But what isn’t? Old issues, new issues -- dancing will save me, I can’t dance. Let’s open the side window, the one I keep closed at night because it opens all the way like a door, a door you can climb into from the fire escape, but when it’s open it also clears everything out. Except the music, let’s turn the music up.

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