Friday, August 21, 2009

The history of all this

Sleeping later, feeling worse -- it’s all because I’m waking up in the middle of the night again, now it’s my brain, since the abdominal pain isn’t there to surround me, so at least that’s progress. Context, that’s what editing this new book is giving me. First of all, seeing all these issues with Chris way back, even conversations about some of the things he said he was going to think about, because they were new, but then when I brought those issues up again, they were old issues, old issues he shouldn’t have to think about. It all makes me sad and angry again, sad and angry and wanting closure but there isn’t any.

But the other thing I’ve noticed is that I think my pain has become more manageable, even when it doesn’t feel manageable I’ve figured out ways to move through it. I mean the pain in my muscles, tendons, that all-over-body ache, not the newer cramping clenching burping in my belly. So maybe that’s progress too, even on this day when I feel like falling back into bed, I guess it helps to look at the history of all this.

2 comments:

Elián Maricón said...

yay for progress!

I'm glad the fog came back to visit you :)

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Yes yes the fog is always progress, as long as it's not the fog in my head!

Love --
mattilda