Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Holding

Okay, so now I go to bed with my stomach clenching, in bed I’m thinking I should get up and get the hot water bottle except I’m tired and almost calm I want to fall asleep but I’m not going to fall asleep unless I get the hot water bottle, so then I get up, no wait I don’t get up I fall asleep, actually sleep through most of the night except then when I wake up I’m still in all this pain. I guess my stomach hasn’t stopped clenching all night so I just feel drained and sad from the exertion taking away rest, that’s when I get the hot water bottle, which at least helps make it easier to walk around and do things. One of these things is feldenkrais, which makes me more tired and less overwhelmed and yes I think this pain does come from learning to let my pelvis go instead of always holding it in, because then I keep going back to my habit and now my habit hurts. And maybe that’s the connection with water, when I drink water I clench my belly instead of letting my diaphragm push out, these gestures that in a way seem small but then there’s so much inside, inside me, so much holding, now so much holding and letting go and holding and I guess all this holding hurts.

2 comments:

Hilary Goldberg said...

"...so much holding and letting go and holding and I guess all this holding hurts."

beautiful yes yes

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Thank you, my dear :)

Love --
mattilda