Tuesday, September 01, 2009

As long as it doesn't get stuck

There’s this funny time when I get exhausted and my face clouds over, no that’s not the funny time the funny time is when both buses come right away and then when I get home I’m actually in a good mood again. Still exhausted, but kind of silly and horny like lying down would be fun instead of just the only option. I take a shower, after horny before silly so maybe that helps. Maybe the rest of the day wasn’t as stressful as it seemed, the stressful part was just getting out of the house and over to therapy -- when I got there I started laughing hysterically again, but this time I didn’t have the excuse of talking to someone outside after forgetting the code, I mean I forgot the code again, but this time a therapist opened the door without saying anything.

Why am I so exhausted? Oh, because of that wired time in bed, going through everything that happened right when I moved to San Francisco, figuring out how to frame it, even the sentence structure, and this went on and on until a new day, too much humidity, and oh no -- the therapist who I actually like can’t see me anymore due to back pain, she has to cut back on her hours and that I totally understand I mean I understand cutting back on commitments due to pain and she tells me she feels really sad about it, I feel sad too and she gives me referrals, referrals that it’ll probably take me forever to call. But at least afterwards I can sit in the too-hot waiting room waiting for tea and trying to decide whether I should call Randy to cancel our plans but now I feel better, calmer, I guess I can go to the reading I mean I might as well because I’ve already made plans.

See how everything goes back and forth? But you were waiting for the good part, the good part is sitting in the grass in City Hall Plaza, all this space, looking at blue sky blue blue sky and white white clouds but also the light in the grass, but then there’s the awful bus ride, I have to stand the whole way and when I get to the reading my shoulders hurt but there’s plenty of time to look at the books, and then I’m worried about pain again in these plastic chairs, I can’t get up because they’re too many people standing behind me and then at the taqueria afterwards, sitting with Randy while he eats and I nibble at his pickled cabbage salad and at first I’m surrounded by cleaning fumes but then when I open the window it smells fresh again, but really fresh is the air on the street afterwards, finally it’s cooled down and I end up chatting with the bookstore owner and then we’re back to two buses that come right away, and maybe it’s okay if it cycles back and forth, as long as it doesn’t get stuck in the wrong part of the cycle.

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