Saturday, September 26, 2009

Everything at once

I have this sense that if I can be absolutely specific about everything that has failed me, about all my hopes that have now become hopeless, about everything that I’ve wanted that I might still want or maybe I want something else, if I can be absolutely specific, ruthless even, completely open then maybe I won’t feel so hopeless anymore. I don’t even want to say what I’m talking about, I mean I do but for now I want to stay here in this feeling, this feeling which is my writing, writing this. When I’m writing I’m fine, actually I’m more than fine I’m amazing, especially recently, when I’m writing about everything that I haven’t written about, or haven’t written about in a while, the places and people and feelings and moments and losses that have made and unmade me, when I’m writing this I get so excited, I start thinking about several different parts of my life at once and how to connect them, how to connect them in the way that it’s always everything at once, even when you’re looking back and then I stop, just for a moment, like today I stopped to go outside, go outside before dark and look at the sun, I love this time of day, I’ll remember it all when I get back inside, I’ll remember it all it’s all here now it’s all here buzzing inside me I’ll remember.

But then I get back inside, and it’s not that I can’t remember it’s that I’m surrounded by this other side of me this side that shuts me down is it the same side, the same side that makes me think if I can just think, think some more than I can get there. I can get there to that clarity, that clarity when everything comes together and all this energy flows through me I get all warm and cold and I’m almost crying I’m holding myself I’m holding all of this. But then the other part of this is this shutting down, how will I get back to words, how will I get back to writing about this shutting down, this writing, how will I get back?

6 comments:

thissouthernfaggot said...

I have this sense that if I can be absolutely specific about everything that has failed me, about all my hopes that have now become hopeless, about everything that I’ve wanted that I might still want or maybe I want something else, if I can be absolutely specific, ruthless even, completely open then maybe I won’t feel so hopeless anymore.

YES!

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Thank you, my dear :)

Love --
mattilda

mandragora said...

Maybe the connections you are trying to find between your life events will eventually show themselves like a constellation, as long as you keep probing and mapping these sensitive things. Someone told me that when I 'shut down' or become sort of numb, I should dig for the truth in a different way, and it may take a little longer. I hope that you can find new hopes, because your entries inspire hope in all kinds of people that come here, including a little black bird like me.

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Mandragora, -- thank you thank you thank you -- I do actually know the connections I'm trying to map, but then it all expands outward and inward and that's also what I'm trying to convey and I am excited, excited about the writing and how sweet of you to say that it gives you hope!

Love --
mattilda

Colouring Outside The Lines said...

xox

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

I love these short and sweet messages of support, Melanie!

Love --
mattilda