Friday, October 09, 2009

Further and further away

Today I feel awful. I’m writing about how awful I feel, because I just called three people and told them how awful I feel, I mean I told their machines, and then I felt better, so now I figure if I write about how awful I feel then I’ll feel better than I feel now, after calling three people. Actually, the third person I called was my sister, and I didn’t tell her I felt awful, just that I felt tired, but that maybe I was starting to feel less tired, because that was after I called Gina and Andee and sometimes it’s hard to find enough people who you can tell how awful you really feel and it’s okay, but now I’m telling you, I’m telling you too.

For a while I was on a roll, on a roll with my writing and then that made me feel like maybe I was on a roll too, I mean on a roll with something else but really I was on a roll with my writing, not something else, not anything else really. I mean I still feel awful. I mean, for a while, maybe the energy I got from writing became so expansive that it spread out into everything else, not just the usual rush and then crash, rush and then crash, that’s the usual. But then I crashed -- of course I’m still writing, but writing from the crash.

So today I feel depressed and exhausted and my sinuses hurt and my body is as fragile as always and I almost thought maybe today, maybe today is a day for cocktails. I haven’t had cocktails in 8 1/2 years, that’s a long time, a long time without cocktails. I mean I don’t really want cocktails, but when I feel awful, awful like today, then I think maybe I’ll just try, even if I know that cocktails would just make me feel way worse, when I feel this awful, then I think maybe just one but that’s what I thought nine years ago, maybe just one, there’s never maybe just one, I mean there’s maybe just one but there’s not just one. Anyway, I hate cocktails. They just make me dehydrated and depressed, but for a moment, a moment that might even still be now, I thought oh, maybe I’ll go to some bar, except immediately with that thought I couldn’t think of what bar, but let’s go further anyway, just further into the idea, I thought maybe I’ll go into some bar, and I’ll order a cocktail, and then I’ll pick someone up, and then we’ll start dating. Just like that. Isn’t that how it works, how it works in the movies people make into their lives?

Maybe because I had a dream that I was still together with my ex-boyfriend, the most recent one which was seven years ago I think, seven years ago is a long time, almost as long as no cocktails and should I compare the two?

Anyway, we were together in this dream -- that’s right, I was in bed telling him how awful I felt, we were staying in a hotel and somehow it fell comforting to tell him how awful I felt, I don’t think I used that word in the dream but that’s the word I’m using now. He was going to work.

When I was thinking about cocktails, maybe just one, do you know the thing that actually made me decide against the idea, I mean I haven’t decided for sure yet although I’ve sort of decided, how do you sort of decide something? I guess that’s what most people do, maybe that’s why don’t like most people.

Oh -- but I thought oh, no -- if I start drinking cocktails, then I might start looking worse, and that felt like too much to risk. I mean I actually kind of like the way I look, the way I look healthy, even if I feel awful. Maybe because I feel awful, then I’m even more attached to the way I look. There’s no bar to go to, no bar that would be fun except for one with a smoke machine, and I already have the sinus drill, I think it came on because the heater was on at the sleep workshop, I mean it wasn’t that hot but the heater was on -- do you see how fragile I am? That’s why I want cocktails -- just for a moment, just for a moment I won’t feel fragile. Oh, right -- let me try that technique I learned in the sleep workshop -- you put your hands in your lap and you feel the pressure of your thumb against your palm, it’s a relaxation technique, to calm you while you’re awake so that when you go to sleep that helps too, there was some cheesy quote from the guy who created the technique, something about how if you’re more relaxed during the day then your sleep will be more relaxed too, something obvious but not really true, but anyway I liked the technique, the technique was okay, I’ll try it now.

Okay, I did enjoy that, I did enjoy that technique, except that it was hard to arrange my hands in a way that didn’t make my wrists hurt, actually now my wrists definitely hurt more but my head is calmer, although calmer and more sad -- is that what this technique helps with -- bringing me back down, into the sadness? Oh, and more sinus pain.

Leah said something in her performance the other night about how people with these various chronic illnesses -- fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, multiple chemical sensitivity, multiple sclerosis, there were a few others she mentioned -- we disappear. That’s what she said -- something like that. Maybe she said: we go away. We stay in our houses and try to figure out how to cope.

I’m finding it harder to connect to people, harder to connect and then when I do connect I suddenly feel all these gaps and then I don’t know what to do, what to do about connecting. It’s not like I can just go out, go out and find all these new people, I mean just the other night, I went to this great performance, Sins Invalid, my favorite part was talking to people afterwards and I got this energy but you know all about this energy: then I crashed. The next two days, I was in more pain than I’ve felt in a while, all over my body. More exhausted, too -- after going to this night of performance about disability and scars and possibilities. It hurts to sit in a theater, I mean it doesn’t hurt while I’m sitting, but then afterwards, I guess afterwards means now. And now, now I just feel awful. Don’t get me wrong -- I was already awful before the show, when did this wave of awful start? Oh, no -- here comes that closed-off sadness in my head -- sinuses, remember? Wait, I thought I was feeling better, better while I was writing, or maybe not better but something in that direction and now here’s the other direction. I guess everything I do today just makes me feel more overwhelmed, like just now I tried listening to a feldenkrais CD, I mean doing a feldenkrais series and then I felt like I was getting hypoglycemic, time to eat, but then I got up and it’s like my whole face is closed off, sinuses again or maybe this is sinuses on the way to sleep, sleep while awake so listening to my voicemail I’m just getting further and further away.

2 comments:

Jory M. Mickelson said...

You are always welcome to call me or my machine and tell me how awful you feel.

I sometimes think people do go out to have a drink and see "what happens."

I know that Justin went out to the bar to find a new boyfriend and ended up with me...which is its own sort of punishment...

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Thank you, my dear -- you are too sweet!

And Justin got lucky :)

Love --
mattilda