Thursday, February 04, 2010

That place of tension

I shouldn’t let myself on the computer when I’m exhausted, because then I start thinking oh, I know -- since I don’t have any energy at all, why don’t I respond to all my email messages, just so I don’t have to respond to them later. Then I stop breathing and do it as fast as I can and then I have even less energy and I start to get sad, no I was already sad but now I start to get sadder, it enters through my sinuses, my forehead like a board, ouch, but why don’t I cruise craigslist just to see if something will give me energy -- that always works, right? I’ll respond to a few postings and see if anyone responds to me. That’s just perfect for more pain in my arms -- I might as well look on the horrible cruising sites that have never given me anything -- okay, still nothing there. Should I look some more?

But wait -- I’m cooking, I forgot about cooking -- now I have to chop vegetables. And my groceries are all on the floor, better throw them into the refrigerator before they rot, all four bags, now my back hurts so much, in between the shoulder blades, that place of tension, but I better write this before I get into bed because afterwards I’ll feel too exhausted to write, brain blocked, now there’s more pain in my shoulders, arms, chest, jaw.

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