Thursday, February 25, 2010

When I'll ever have energy again

Even my dreams are stomach dreams: arguing with my sister and mother and the brutality of childhood, tension splitting me apart until my mother takes me aside and asks if I want to help her figure out if she has enough money, enough money for this trip and then I’m at the bus stop with my mother, Abby walks by and maybe she hears my mother saying Matthew, does she know? I haven’t seen Abbey in at least a year, maybe more, and then we’re eating dinner, no actually it’s lunch in the way that childhood still exists but I can’t figure out anything to eat, my mother asks why I chose this restaurant, I chose it because there’s nowhere I can eat. Maybe a turkey sandwich and I’m wondering if I can hide it somewhere -- that’s what I ate when I had to eat as a kid, because there was no fat in the sliced turkey breast, I mean when I couldn’t stuff it into napkins and throw it away in the bathroom, that’s what I’m thinking as I wake up with the menu in my head, I don’t eat turkey, no not the menu just the tension oh wait that’s still there.

Waking up and no I’m not ready so I turn to the side for just a little more relaxation, but no that just means my stomach expands into my chest, is this what was happening the whole 11 hours of something like sleep, why I wake up in so much sadness, a board across my head and then there’s that pot smoke when I step outside onto the fire escape, even the sun doesn’t feel comforting it just feels like something to hurt my eyes, forehead, more tension.

The only good thing about all this stomach pain is that it’s forced me not to drink water in the middle of the night, I mean when I wake up to piss, because then it immediately gets worse. Is that a good thing? Maybe like the piece of bread in the toaster when I walk into the kitchen, left there last night because I didn’t need it. I used to get up in the middle of the night so wired I had to eat toast, that was awful -- another habit I somehow got rid of, does this mean there’s such a thing as progress? Meanwhile, there are dogs barking in this music, or no those dogs are barking outside but now they’re in these beats and I’m wondering when I’ll ever have energy again, I mean when I’ll ever have energy that isn’t just an illusion before the crash.

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