Saturday, March 20, 2010


There's some part of me that thinks I'm already exhausted enough, so I can't really be that much more exhausted when I'm traveling, right? But then there's the other part, and I'm a complete mess. Anything that goes wrong throws me into a frenzy. Like that feldenkrais practitioner who didn't show up -- no, that wasn't a frenzy, that was a fall. That's more like it -- it's like I have no cushion at all, my cellphone headset breaks and I'm trying to find another feldenkrais practitioner, and every time I pick up the phone my body tenses up and I'm afraid of pain so then I'm in pain and I can feel that drill in the middle of my back coming on while I'm sleeping and I can't believe I planned so well that I had this appointment set up weeks in advance, and then what happens? She doesn't even call me back, an assistant I've never talked to before calls and says the practitioner got confused about the time, but I still have an appointment for next Monday. 4:30 pm again, and it takes an hour and a half to get there -- luckily I found someone last night, and she was great, but still there’s that place in between my shoulder blades, the pain I'm worrying about that mixes with the pain I'm feeling, because remember last time I was on tour that pain in my back got so bad that I ended up taking a plane, oh no a plane.

But I was trying to tell you about the way my head shuts off, the way every little thing becomes more overwhelming, the way I don't have the cushion in my body or outside it and even sitting in the sun on the deck in the back feels draining. But now I'm exhausted again.

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