Saturday, March 20, 2010

Gathering beauty

I'm sitting on the side of the road by the office of the feldenkrais practitioner who I guess stood me up, I mean I actually got out of bed and left the house within a half hour so I could get there on time, 4:30 p.m. is way too early for me but it was her latest appointment. I'm sitting on the side of the road because she didn't show up, I waited an hour and a half and called both her numbers. Now I'm a mess, but at least it's sunny. I'm sitting on the side of the road, looking at this tree with bright pink flowers, hyacinths down below, daffodils at Whole Foods yes I'm at Whole Foods once the sun goes down, I remembered it was right around the corner so it's useful once I'm running out of food, all this waiting. But first let’s sit by the pink tree for a while, the hyacinths are actually somewhere else, somewhere later where I'm thinking about the names of flowers and how I learned them from my grandmother, or maybe sometimes from my father who learned them from my grandmother, the hyacinths are pink too, but where do I find them? The pink tree across the street from the feldenkrais practitioner, the daffodils at Whole Foods but wait it turns out they are narcissus, yellow narcissus, and then later the hyacinths, pink too.

But underneath the pink tree are tiny white flowers growing on something that looks kind of like rosemary but smaller, no wait these tiny white flowers are actually kind of pink too, like in Emeryville when I was waiting for the train and I picked a few flowers, put them in my pocket, I felt like a little kid. Maybe I should have some kind of gathering to pick flowers, or just to wander around somewhere and search for them like a little kid, this is the excitement and sadness I need, and I'm thinking about what happens when people die and you allow yourself to miss them. I didn't miss my grandmother before, because I knew she wasn't there. I mean she wasn't there for me, someone to argue with on the phone, I didn't need that. But now it's different -- I just want to crouch in the grass on the side of the road with her, gathering beauty.

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