Thursday, March 04, 2010

Getting ready

I’m getting ready to leave. Not literally, but literally. I wonder what I’ll miss: this view, the sky, the light of the buildings late at night, the view from Buena Vista when the clouds get pink, the way a group of upscale tourists start talking to a few older working-class types at the bus stop in Chinese and then four or five other people join in the conversation, all in Chinese, talking about how to get to Sunset Avenue.

When I walk around I look up at the buildings and think: what would this look like in Santa Fe? I breathe in the air, that soft moist nighttime air that feels the clearest, and I wonder: what would this feel like if it were dry? When I have energy, I get excited -- I’m done with San Francisco, right? I can always move back a fourth time.

But I rarely have energy, and then I get overwhelmed. I mean I’m already overwhelmed, but then I get more overwhelmed -- earlier I went to the gym and then I got that calm clear feeling afterwards, but almost immediately the sinus sadness dreary headache eyes closing sinking like what else can I do besides lie down on the stretching mat or read craigslist postings, I think I’ll lie down.

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