Tuesday, March 09, 2010

Getting used to it

Something about how, when I first moved back to San Francisco I would get dressed up all the time, full saturated glitter makeup wig sculpture extravagance, or not all the time, but for every Gay Shame demo and often when I went out, and sometimes just when I left the house, why not? I guess that’s when I was glad to be back where, at least sometime sit was possible to actualize that West Coast full freakshow glamour potential -- I certainly hadn’t felt that in New York, that was for sure. When did the possibilities start to fade, that’s what I’m wondering. When did the pain and exhaustion surround me so much that even dressing up like that sounds like way too much to risk for my body the crash?

It was also here that the pain went from something that felt like a bad injury to a permanence that surrounds me. Is it possible that, in leaving, I can move in the opposite direction with the pain and exhaustion too? Who knows. Walking into the gym I’m studying the back of this woman’s hair, big fluorescent pink and green clips, and then when she turns around she says oh, I love your coat -- I love your colors, I don’t see colors like that very often, most people don’t wear enough colors -- this is dark for me.

Aside from the hair clips, she’s wearing mostly black. There’s something about her smile that feels so genuine, and her look hints at Burning Man or Bay Area realness, which is comforting in this gym of corporate striving. Actually, it makes me think of Santa Fe, maybe there will be people like this in Santa Fe, maybe that will be a good thing. I mean, I’m also certain to encounter the full spectrum of New Age mania, selfishness masquerading as spirituality, but I’m already getting used to the range in my head, like on the phone with the feldenkrais practitioner who says he’ll be out of town when I’m there, but he recommends another practitioner in Santa Fe, something about how she’s doing a training in their office and I say: in the same space? No, he says, in Santa Fe.

Wait: this doesn’t make sense in writing, but on the phone it felt like he thought I was asking something vague and mystical, like: is she on the same spiritual plane? But no, just in Santa Fe. I’m getting used to it, even if I don’t know what I’m getting used to, yet.

3 comments:

Nick said...

For some reason the idea of you moving to Santa Fe is really exciting to me! I'm not sure why, but it just captures my imagination. When do you go visit??

thissouthernfaggot said...

I remember when I used to have the energy to get tragically fabulous, but not for any reason. I would just walk around downtown, looking at things and people. I miss that a lot.

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

And Nick, that's exciting to me!!! I'm visiting the first week in April, I hope I like it...

And thissouthernfaggot, yes yes, walking around and looking at things and people, while they look at you -- but really it's us looking at them...

Love --
mattilda