Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Sitting there

I thought it would be relaxing to watch the movie in the theater, different from the usual kind of event where I present my art because I can just sit back, right? But, oh no -- I was wrong! As soon as it starts, I'm a complete mess, totally tense and then at the end I'm crying -- I expected that maybe I would cry, but I didn't expect that afterwards I would feel completely drained. What is it?

I think about it for a while and then I realize oh, at a reading of course I have to exert way more energy, perform for the crowd, watch everyone's reactions, but also I'm in control. With the movie, all I can do is watch. Sure, I can listen to the audience for clues, but only that. And then it's me, my voice, my voice and images and the movie Gina and I made together that's my story maybe it's amusing or confusing and I'm watching the shift into all this vulnerability. Not confusion for me but the confusion about how I'm engaging and sure, I'm watching this thing that I know, that I experienced and created, but then it's also something else on the screen: I'm the me in the movie but also the me down here in the theater watching me, or someone like me, or watching the colors in the film while listening to my voice since what I see isn’t the voice or what's literally happening but something else and I can't modulate my voice or shift the colors the way I want them in the moment, I can only sit there.

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