Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Threatening her way of life

I'm talking to Allison about Rose, and the sense of loss that I feel, it's a childhood feeling because it's not like there was much she offered me over last 15 years, we could talk about her art and she would hear me, but we could never talk about my art, she chose not to understand. I started crying in the restaurant but I stopped, I didn't want to cry there so I'm glad Allison came back to the place where I'm staying and we could talk here, here I can cry and it feels okay, like a release actually, what I need, crying is always what I need. Or almost always.

Allison says something interesting when I ask if Rose was different with her, not so judgmental and Allison says with me she was very supportive, we were close actually, I talked to her a lot and sometimes she was annoying, like she wanted me to go to medical school, but she would listen to me -- I wasn't threatening her way of life. And Allison is right -- as a kid I would see Rose and the way she dreamed through her art and I thought that was everything; I didn't see that, even though she led a somewhat unconventional life for a woman of her generation, her whole worldview still centered around status, accomplishment, middle class respectability, and yes of course I threatened that. Maybe especially because she could have understood, if she wanted to.

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