Sunday, April 04, 2010

Already crashing

So much pain in my gut and today I only ate my own food, I mean the food I cooked -- everything was fine until just before I got a bed, why does it happen this way? I can't stay in bed because my belly is expanding, all this pain I need to burp, but I don't want to get up because I'm so tired, and then eventually I get up and I'm hypoglycemic so I have to eat again, which is kind of counterintuitive but it's the only way I'll sleep, eventually.

I start thinking about this pain, where is it coming from? I ate a little bit of grape seed oil at the end of the day, should I avoid all oils? But oils are necessary for managing pain, right? It might have been the tea I drank -- first eucalyptus dream, then several cups of nettles, freshly harvested nettles, plus the hilariously named Women's Liberty. I stopped drinking all tea for a while, after that time at the restaurant in San Francisco when the bloating got so awful, but then I started drinking throat teas in LA and they were really helpful, I thought maybe these teas would be helpful too. I hate thinking that super-healthy things might be ruining my life, and then there's the middle of the night and the fabric softener surrounding me, here in Santa Fe where the air is so fresh and it's still poisoned. Last night it was awful too -- at that point where I wake up and think oh, I slept so well, this is great, but then I'm awake and it's awful but then by the time I'm getting ready for bed the fabric softener doesn’t seem that overwhelming, do I really have to take the sheets off and hurt my body so much just to hope that my body doesn't hurt so much?

But then there's the air -- when I wake up and sit in the sun, kind of like San Francisco where it's warm until a cloud emerges and everything blows by really fast, but oh the air yes the air and did I mention 10:45 a.m., when I pulled off the eye mask just to see, and what I saw was 10:45 but more importantly what I felt, what I felt in my head was that this must be the worst time in my entire life, and right about then someone started pounding on the door, really? Yes, pounding on the door through the white noise generator, shaking the door and then I saw it open, hid in the sheets so I didn't have to say anything, the door closed, eventually I fell asleep again, fell asleep in this soft bed but caving in so it's hurting my neck but wait, I woke up to all this air, yes this air, except then I go inside and I'm already crashing.

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