Sunday, April 11, 2010

Today, the hardest crash yet, since I've been in Santa Fe. I'm sitting with Jessica and Von at a café, maybe I just said that it's looking likely that I might move here, no I said that before we got to the café. This place is filled with preppy Southwestern yuppies of the baby boomer generation, but I don't think that's why I crash. Maybe it's because I haven't eaten enough, staring at the menu and everything is seafood or cheese or soy, I end up with a side order of roasted beets that don't really taste roasted, maybe a little rotten. Jessica is asking me about all this travel, is it exhausting? And then I realize I'm leaving in less than two days, and I get sad because that's the part that's exhausting: leaving, and then I'll be on the train again. And, for this train I have to get up early to get there, and early to get off: not horrifyingly early, except that early is always horrifying. I mean when I have to get up before I'm ready, or kind of ready, because it never really seems like I'm ready, once I get up. Anyway, early to get there, and then early to get off -- that's the worst combination.

So maybe I crash just thinking about that, or thinking about leaving when I'm not really ready, or maybe I am ready but still I'm not ready. But probably I crash because I’ve done too much -- first I went on a walk, and then I came home to rest briefly, and then I went to an art event, and then briefly to the café -- and I guess that was too much. Of course, any engagement with the art industry ends up draining me -- if it's interesting, or the art is interesting, sometimes I don't notice until afterwards, when I feel like someone sucked everything out of me. Maybe that's why I crash.

But when I do too little, at least while I'm traveling, I just get sad, sad because I'm so exhausted, except now I'm more exhausted, and then I wonder what the hell I'm thinking about moving here, if I'm going to be this exhausted, but wait I'm not exhausted because I'm here, or at least I don't think that's why I'm exhausted, I'm just exhausted because I'm exhausted -- I mean because of all this travel. And if I move here, sure I'll be exhausted at first, but then maybe something else. Or maybe not.

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