Thursday, May 13, 2010

Engagement

So much sadness, surrounding me. No, it’s not surrounding me – it is me. First it’s here in my sinuses – I shouldn’t have taken that train, I mean I should’ve gotten off for a few days in the middle: an overnight train I can kind of deal with, but two nights destroys me. It’s just that I don’t know anyone in western Montana – next time I’ll have to find some kind of hotel with a kitchen.

Then there’s the sadness because of all I’ve done – Baltimore, DC, my mother. Even this new opening in our relationship – that brings more sadness too, because I’m scared of the engagement, endless sadness. I mean I’m so exhausted that I’m a little kid, looking to her for some kind of comfort – isn’t that dangerous? I mean, it’s okay when I’m walking down the street and I look up at the birds, so many birds chattering away and I can go right to that place of amazement. Then a car drives by, exhaust into my nostrils, and I’m wrecked again.

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