Sunday, May 30, 2010

Except, maybe

Oh, no -- all this pain again, this pain in my gut I have to get out of bed and then it hurts more, all this bloating and I guess one good thing about going to bed earlier is that when I wake up in the middle of the night it’s actually night. I mean it’s still dark, not so startling as the sun but what is startling is how this pain won’t go away, just moves around, is the hot water bottle making it better or worse? Definitely the ginger tea makes it worse, then I’m nauseous too and all this goes on until actually it is light, and I’m starting congee for tomorrow, not sure if I can lie down yet, still too much bloating, eventually I do lie down but then I need to get up and here I keep making all these changes, changes in diet and sleep schedule and whatever else I think might help, really whatever else I keep trying but then there are just more horrible health problems to overcome and I really don’t know, I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know I mean I do know about this pain. So emotional this pain in my gut the way it opens up into that overwhelming sadness the next day, will everything always lead here?

Except the sun, yes the sun gets me wired although then of course I’m immediately worrying if I’m getting burnt, bright noontime sun and it’s warmer too, four minutes in one direction and then three in the other and are my knees burnt or tan, I guess I should go inside. I wondered if there’s something that can just feel nurturing, just nurturing and maybe building and nourishing and right now I can’t really think of what that is. Except, maybe, writing.

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