Monday, May 24, 2010


Forget what I said about not waking up in the middle of the night. Here I am, planning out every phone call I have to make tomorrow, I mean I’m thinking about each person and the beginning of our conversation: hi, it’s Mattilda -- how are you doing? You know -- because I really have to plan that part out, in case I forget. And then I’m thinking about moving to Santa Fe, I mean I’m planning out the logistics -- even though I haven’t decided to move there yet. Maybe this all started because my mother was asking about sending stuff from my grandmother’s, and am I ready yet, since we found out that UPS didn’t do home pick up anymore, at least not in Baltimore, so my mother is sending it with movers who are also bringing furniture to my sister in LA, but then I thought wait, what if I’m moving to Santa Fe? If I’m moving to Santa Fe, I should probably get things sent there, right?

Remember this is all in my head, in bed, in bed where I’m supposed to be dreaming but instead I’m thinking about whether I should plan some kind of going away spectacle here in San Francisco, what would that look like? Sometimes I think about a tour of all the places that have meant something to me, a nighttime tour with stories and rituals, but then that sounds too tiring, so I think about an event where I invite people to perform, but then that sounds draining too, so I think about doing nothing, but maybe I need some kind of closure, something that feels like a hug, an opening, an invitation.

Of course I don’t need to figure all this out at 7 am in bed when I’m trying to sleep, but somehow my brain doesn’t realize that, even if the rest of my body does, until eventually my brain gets the message too, and when I wake up I’m exhausted again, and of course there’s pain in my gut, all this pain and I’m starting to wonder if it’s caused by eating too late. For the last 10 years I’ve had to eat right before bed in order to fall asleep, because otherwise I get so hypoglycemic that I’m immediately wired, but could something be changing? I know that feldenkrais has helped me to let my belly go, to relax, but then it pulls back into its familiar place of tension. I’ve started eating only a grain before bed, or trying to eat an hour before, but not right before, but then I always worry that I’m going to get hypoglycemic and end up in that insomniac glare.

Meanwhile, there’s the sun on the fire escape -- maybe this sounds strange, but I never realized before that it’s actually cooler outside around Noon then it is later in the day -- is that why they’re always telling you to avoid the sun from 10-2, because really it doesn’t feel that warm and you don’t notice your burning until later? Or maybe that’s just here in San Francisco, with all this cool air blowing in, I love this cool air but I’ll admit it’s confusing after getting used to East Coast and Midwest and even Northwest humidity. Although I don’t quite understand humidity -- I mean, when there’s fog there’s humidity, right? Though usually it feels so fresh, except suddenly when it’s totally different and then I remember the East Coast again and that humidity, but how does this crazy humidity thing work, anyway? I mean there’s less mold in those humid humid places, maybe because it’s damp and warm. I better get inside, before the sun starts to burn again.

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