Saturday, June 19, 2010

Hopelessness and possibility

What a weird day -- I’m frantic and exhausted, edgy and sleepy -- all at the same time until it fades and I’m just drained again. I need to leave the house, so that I’m not doing so much with my hands, but I don’t have enough energy. I did leave the house earlier, succeeded at an early errand; now I need to leave the house again. I should have written something earlier -- now I can’t even think of what to say.

Oh, I know -- I wish I didn’t wash my hair, spend so much time bringing it to perfection so that I could go on a walk for a few minutes, come back home and get ready for bed. I guess I thought maybe I was going to meet Ethan and Stephen Kent for dinner, but now I don’t even know how I would stay awake. I mean I know how I would stay awake, but I think it would be awful. Yesterday I got so wired right before bed, from trying to sound energetic on the phone, no wait first I got excited and then I crashed, but I was trying to sound like I was still excited. And then when I got off the phone I was really wired and edgy, made me think that I shouldn’t talk on the phone after 9 pm now that I have this new schedule. Or maybe that sounds too extreme -- before, I had a rule that I wouldn’t talk on the phone after 2 am, but that’s a bit different. I guess things are changing that fast, and I’m not sure if it’s a good thing.

Maybe that’s what made me frantic earlier -- I was trying to do all these things, before I lost my energy. I mean, I didn’t actually start with energy, so it was harder to do these things, but once I started doing them I kind of got wired, but never lost the exhaustion, and eventually that always makes me more exhausted.

But wait: first I’m on the phone with Stephen Kent, he says: Ethan tells me you have a new sleep schedule -- now, you’ll never do anything again. I guess he means anything out in the world, at night, social events, that kind of thing. It seems unlikely that I’ll never do any of that again, but maybe it also doesn’t matter. It’s not like what I’m doing is working, I have to try this new schedule just to see if it helps. I mean, it’s not helping yet, but it’s only been a month. Did I mention something Jen said? She said: you live in this constant state of hopelessness and possibility.

And then there’s the next day -- it’s freezing, and the air is incredible. I think there’s this new pattern, where I’m wired at the beginning of the day, is that what happens to most people? Of course I crash as soon as I eat, but then I’m trying to get things done again, because I guess this is when I have more energy. The air is so fresh, but someone’s working with some kind of hideous chemicals that are pouring into my apartment, sinuses starting to hurt and I don’t know whether to open the windows more or to close them.

No comments: