Monday, June 28, 2010

Just for connection

Lately I barely have any libido and all. Or, it comes in short bursts like a week or two ago when I started chatting with some guy on one of those terrible cruise sites, and it turned out he lives literally a block away, and I kind of got excited. But then, an endless chat session that led only to more pain from the computer. A few emails for a few days, but nothing else. Then, he actually emailed me for the first time, but I just didn’t care anymore. It didn’t sound interesting to get together with someone who kept flaking, someone who couldn’t call me just to make an initial connection, something other than words on the screen.

I still walk outside looking for desire, but mostly that desire is one for escape. Or, if someone seems to be cruising me, then I can get excited, I guess that’s a desire for connection. Sexual connection, maybe, but more just for connection, do you know what I mean? Maybe I’m more tired than usual because of all this bloating, this bloating that ruins my rest even if I sleep, this bloating I really can’t figure out, because now it seems like it happens no matter what, right before I get in bed, or right after. Then, when I get up, it gets worse every time I drink a glass of water, a little better when I eat at first, I mean the first few times, but still I’m so exhausted, need to eat more, need to eat more and then eventually. Eventually what?

No comments: