Monday, June 14, 2010

This air

I’m sick of eating, bored of trying so hard to nourish myself, over and over and over again all day I’m eating the same thing, trying not to get too hypoglycemic, getting too hypoglycemic anyway, try not to eat anything that irritates my stomach, irritating my stomach anyway. Repeat.

And this new time schedule is ridiculous: before, I felt exhausted all day, but at least at night sometimes I would get a few hours of energy, inspiration, momentary calm. Now I just feel exhausted all day, and then at night I go to bed. It doesn’t even feel like a choice anymore -- 10 pm rolls around and all I can think about is getting in bed. Sometimes I’m waiting all day for that moment, but the difference is that now I’m literally waiting. I mean, it might be 7 pm and I already feel like going to bed, but I can’t go to bed at 7 pm. Then I can’t even imagine when I would wake up. I guess I used to do that too, on nights when I felt like I could go to bed at 11 pm, but I knew I wouldn’t really fall asleep, I would just lie in bed getting more and more wired.

Before, at least I felt surrounded by fibromyalgia, but it was weirder, not weirder to me but weirder to the world and somehow that felt comforting. Now I just hope for change, no wait things are changing, it’s just that nothing feels better, yet.

But wait. The temperature drops, the air clears -- I wake up in that cool softness, onto the fire escape at 10 am in the sun filtered through fog and I think oh, this might be the most beautiful time of the day. That’s how I know I’m in a good mood, because it is beautiful, but nothing could be as beautiful as that time just before sunset, right? Except the way this air is so soft, oh this soft air maybe this soft air can take care of me. Into the kitchen and there’s the mold, I’m sure it’s stronger because of the leak from upstairs, the leak they fixed but they said there’s no mold, of course there’s no mold but still this air oh this air could be everything I wish this air could be everything.

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