Sunday, July 11, 2010


I’m not really sure what makes me think of calling my grandmother, the one who’s dead, I mean it seems like I think more about calling her now than before. Sometimes it’s obvious, like I’m calling the other grandmother, and then I think: oh. But other times it just feels like it comes out of nowhere.

And then I’m looking through my datebook to find someone’s number, someone in Santa Fe who I’m told might know about nuclear contamination, and there are all these numbers for my grandmother in various hospital rooms. My other grandfather too, who also died, did I ever write about that? Yesterday I woke up thinking I wish I could go live at my grandmother’s house, for a few months this fall, since I don’t know where I’m moving yet. I thought it might be nice to live in her house all alone, watch fall and winter with all those trees around. Most of her stuff would be gone, since my mother is selling it at an auction this weekend, but still I thought it might feel calming. Even the part about being alone, I thought that might feel calming too.

But it’s not an option -- my mother is already getting ready to sell the house, someone came over the other day, from New York, even though the house isn’t ready yet. Ready to show, I mean. I guess the realtor knew this person, an artist who loved the studio, moving to Baltimore with her husband because he got a job doing scientific research at Hopkins. But they weren’t sure if the house was big enough, if they decided to have kids.

I never know what people mean by that, the things they think that kids need. I guess there is only one bedroom upstairs besides the master bedroom, but it’s literally right next door, separated by a bathroom -- that would be perfect for the first kid, right? Maybe a yard, people think kids need a big yard. I never liked our yard that much, I would have preferred to live in the city, with no yard, oh how many times I dreamed about that. No, I didn’t really dream about that exactly, I just dreamed about getting away.


kayti said...

I do not like yards either they have too much grass

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Too much grass, indeed :)

Love --