Tuesday, July 06, 2010


New strategy: when I get exhausted, don’t fight it, just lie down, lie down on the stretching mat and feel my breath, feel my breath in the different parts of my belly, stomach, chest. Then, when I get up I’m calmer. But then I’m exhausted again.

I’m used to thinking that the sun is always coming from the west, so when I’m walking around at noon it’s kind of confusing to figure out in which direction the buildings will block the sun, or how close I should stand to the buildings, or whether my hat really blocks the sun from my face or if it does seem that way. Today the sun isn’t out, or not really but I’m still worried I might get burnt because there is a glare, but then it’s even harder to figure out whether the buildings are blocking anything.

Up at the top of the hill, the buildings do look different at this time of day. I’ve never noticed that pathway with plants on all sides, one of the weird alleys on Nob Hill that almost look like parks, I’ll have to come back and walk that way another day because today I’m trying to get to the square, the square by the cathedral, just because I usually go there late at night but when I walked outside the bus was coming so I jumped on.

In a way, it feels more confusing when I’m so tired, and there’s so much daylight. I sit in my apartment squinting at the world outside, wondering what I should do, except really I can’t do much because I’m too exhausted, so then I wonder what I should do inside, but then everything starts to give me pain and then I just wonder.

No, cruising craigslist isn’t the answer. Sure, it gives me something that feels like energy for a moment, that feeling in my crotch, but then I stop for a moment and I crash; that isn’t energy. But what is? Maybe I’ll go back out on the fire escape, before the sun goes down too low to reach me up here, the way the buildings provide that kind of shelter. Wait -- it’s cold out here.

Actually, what got me off craigslist was when I checked my email and saw a message from the guy I had sex with the other day, thanking me for a fun time, he really needed that release and my blowjob was amazing-- and I thought of writing: anytime! But then I realized that actually sucking his cock sounded awful, not his cock in particular but just sucking cock. I don’t even know what I want from sex anymore -- it was fun with him, especially right after he came in my mouth and then I got that charge, that charge that meant I could do anything, but after I came I just felt like why?

Maybe I should never come, ever again. Somehow I don’t think that’s a solution. And I know you’ll think this is funny, but after I swallowed this guy’s come, yes my stomach got way more bloated, another hazard. Although not as bad as the new digestive enzymes -- I took them once, late at night when everything was starting to feel awful, and then it got way way worse. But then I thought wait, maybe I took them too late, maybe that was the problem, so then the next day I took them early, and the same thing happened. So much for those enzymes.

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