Sunday, July 18, 2010

Other escapes

I wonder if it’s a formula: whenever I feel kind of okay when I get up in the morning, once I step outside I feel awful. I mean right away: I walk half a block, and I feel like I might fall over. Maybe when I feel kind of okay I shouldn’t go outside. Because on other days, sometimes, when I wake up feeling awful, I can go outside and feel fine, at least for a short walk.

Before, when I was feeling better, I thought I had it all figured out -- my move, that is. Why not move to Santa Fe? If it’s too hot in the summer, I’ll move to Seattle. But what about the mold in Seattle? I don’t know. And the darkness, so much darkness? I don’t know. And the middle class sameness of so much in that town, from architecture to art, and even to scheming and dreaming? There’s nothing I can do about that. I like Seattle because it feels easy, I always feel calmer, I know some great people there.

But anyway, first I need to move somewhere dry, to see if it helps. Even though, whenever my sinuses get dry, pretty much everything else feels worse. I’d like to say there must be some balance, but maybe there’s no balance. First I need to figure out this digestive problem, that’s the most crucial thing right now. The most crucial thing, and I can’t figure it out at all.

What else was I thinking when I felt better? I had all these ideas. Now I can’t remember any of them.

Oh, okay -- the fire escape helps: all this sun and air. Although then of course I’m worried that I’m getting burnt. There will be plenty of fun in Santa Fe. Maybe too much. And the air will be amazing -- all of the time it will be amazing, I think. Although I’m sure I’ll worry even more about getting sunburnt. There will be no fire escapes, but hopefully other escapes. I’ll sit in the sun on my front steps, or on the back patio. A balcony would be gorgeous, but there are hardly even any apartments in the center of town with two stories. I kept looking for them.

There goes my digestion again -- I just ate something; everything hurts. No, not everything -- just my stomach, I guess. This time it’s stomach, instead of intestines. Or, wait -- I guess it’s both. I’m already hypoglycemic again, time to eat more.

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