Saturday, July 31, 2010

A plutonium plume

One of those days when I wake up thinking okay, maybe this is the day, the day when I feel better. I turn on the music and my body feels different on the floor when I start to dance, lighter.

But you already know about these days. Today what happens is that I eat. I know: that happens every day. Sometimes I wish it didn’t.

No, I just wish it wouldn’t make me feel so awful. Immediately my head is clogged, energy gone, outside into the pollution I’m walking and walking is okay but then I get back inside and I’m exhausted again.

No, I was exhausted the whole time, but then it got better. And then it got worse again. Everything felt so clear before, that was the most confusing part. Especially when I was in bed, my head racing in between sleep, that delusion. But then when I woke up, and everything still felt manageable. I learn about the plutonium plume that’s approaching the Santa Fe water supply from Los Alamos, it will arrive sometime in the near future and what does that mean, exactly? Besides that the water will be contaminated by plutonium.

More research, that’s what I need to do. More research, and I hardly feel like I can do anything at all. Except for a few minutes after feldenkrais, when I get home and I think: I should have sex now, when I’m actually feeling like it. Then I start to crash. And then I eat again.


kayti said...

it sounds like something that doesn't belong in water much less in , around or on your body.

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

I know -- it's scary, right?!