Monday, July 05, 2010


It’s so hard to predict the good day, a good day, I mean a day when I feel better. Sometimes I wake up and I almost feel fine, then I walk outside and I’m obliterated. Today I wake up feeling awful, or not awful really just not sure, not sure that I don’t feel awful. My head is clogged with allergy madness, but I will admit that I like the light at 9:45 am, out here on the fire escape where I can tell that today it’s going to be warm but it’s not so warm yet. I can sit out here and feel the way the wind touches me, feel the wind, feel me. And then I feel better, stepping back inside.

A walk just after noon, and it’s hard to figure out in which direction my hat doesn't block the sun, I guess it’s when I’m facing away, or walking downhill, which isn’t what I would have expected. I’m exhausted again, stopping to look in a gallery that’s opened on crack row -- I never want to look when it’s open, I mean I don’t want to give them any attention, but since it’s closed right now I’m peering in through the gate and one of my neighbors stops to talk to me, someone in my building who’s moving out, leaving San Francisco it turns out and I’m curious why. It’s because he graduated, that’s what he says. He doesn’t say what exactly he graduated from.

He always looks me in the eyes in a curious and maybe excited way, except when he’s with someone who’s straight, and then often he pretends he doesn’t notice me -- that’s how I know he’s not sure. What exactly he’s not sure about, I’m not sure either. Suddenly he’ll emphasize some kind of straight mannerism, hey man. Then there’s that other guy in my building, the one who always seems so curious about me, in the elevator, asking so many questions. Then one time I saw him on the bus and I said hi. He didn’t say anything. I said hi again. He turned away. Now I don’t even like seeing him.

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