Thursday, July 29, 2010

That instinctual nervousness

This is something I forgot, or forget, maybe I forget every time, after I’m inside. How, walking up to the Nob Hill Theatre, I actually think about what people are thinking. I mean, I worry, a little. I scan the street ahead of me just to see, walk inside quickly like I’m not thinking of anything really, and maybe I’m not, but I am. It’s funny, right? I mean, I’ve been to this place at least a hundred times, and places like this so many more. Still that instinctual nervousness. Not as much as going to a bar or a club, but still.

I wish I could say there’s no shame, but first everything was shame, right? Childhood and all that was around it. And then, nothing was shame. Or at least that was the goal: I got close.

But then: all these years of time in these spaces, time in these sexual cultures that lack almost everything I’ve dreamed of, all these years surrounded by everyone else’s shame and maybe now. Like, online and I do think: I wonder if my friends will recognize this ad. Because it’s stupid, lowest common denominator, the only kind of ad that works on craigslist, and yes I am embarrassed. Mostly I’m embarrassed by this culture that surrounds me, but I haven’t figured out how to get entirely away, probably I never will.


kayti said...

I do not think that instinctual nervousness will ever go away. If nothing else we will always wonder if they are thinking about doing something hot with us.

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Oh, right -- there's that instinctual nervousness too -- it sounds much better the way you describe it...

Love --