Thursday, July 22, 2010

This other place

Here comes the rollercoaster, starting, of course, with the bottom. In this case, I’m in bed, exhausted but edgy -- acupuncture made me edgy, it started right after the treatment last night and now I’m so annoyed, annoyed because does anything ever help? Annoyed because the acupuncturist described the herbal formula, and it seemed like there were four herbs for pain, two for digestion, even though digestion is what I need to focus on, second focus is this overwhelming exhaustion, and pain after that -- pain is the third priority, and I thought I made that clear. Annoyed because I feel like I could sleep longer, but I’ll just feel terrible anyway -- it’s 10 am, my new wake-up time, shouldn’t I just get up?

In the kitchen, I figure now is the time to take the first dose of the Chinese herbs. Somehow this bitter liquid tastes delicious and my head clears, wait maybe this is the answer. Before I felt like I couldn’t possibly do anything, now I feel like I’m finally getting somewhere. I go out on the fire escape in the dense fog -- it’s freezing and I love this air, maybe San Francisco is the place to go to escape global warming. At least right now. Back inside, I eat my berries and do some editing, maybe today will be okay.

But then: I eat the rest of my food. Everything makes me feel awful: the kale, the beets, the beans, the teff -- all of it. My sinuses are clogged with pain, probably from the residue of the moxa smoke in the acupuncture office. The gastroenterologist calls to confirm my appointment for tomorrow, and even though I thought I was going to cancel that appointment because what is he going to offer me anyway, I keep it. I’m just too tired to say that actually I need to reschedule. I try to call the movers who are delivering stuff from my grandmother’s house, but I guess I wrote the number down wrong.

I wish I could fast, but I would get way too hypoglycemic; it would be awful. When I drank the acupuncture herbs, I thought of all the things I would get done today -- everything suddenly felt easy. Now it all feels hopeless again. Why does it matter that I get up early, when I go outside and I feel terrible. Immediately. I’m walking up the hill in the freezing cold, and even though it’s so windy the air feels gross and polluted. Then I’m wired again, trying to use the wired to get up the hill, maybe at least I can walk further, but then I’m exhausted again. This is new: it’s the herbs, or the acupuncture, or both, that are making me so edgy. Up and down, up and down. I’m on the phone, and I’m so exhausted I can’t even think of what to talk about, then I talk about editing, and afterwards I’m wired again. For a second it feels good, but then I’m just edgy -- the acupuncturist said try these herbs for a week, you need a least a week to see if they’re going to help. I guess it’s possible that I’ll start out edgy, and then everything will calm, but at the moment I just feel angry. I can’t deal with something bringing me out of my balance, even if my balance doesn’t feel balanced at all, until I’m in this other place.

No comments: