Friday, July 02, 2010


There must be some way to live underwater, right? To breathe like bubbles, tea with the sea anemones, an ocean of tears -- no, just an ocean -- maybe I’m a mermaid, swimming around in a Hazmat suit, warning the dolphins about the approaching oil, because dolphins don’t have a sense of smell, and then we can swim further and further out until there’s nowhere left and then I guess we won’t be left either.

It’s amazing the ocean has lasted this long, with everything that humans dump into it. I think it was Antonia Juhasz who said on Democracy Now, “there’s an oil spill like that in Nigeria every day.” I think she said Colombia too. Every day. Maybe not a mermaid, then. I haven’t even made it to the pool at the posh gym since I’ve been back -- I’ve barely even thought about it, except the three times someone asked me -- twice my mother, once Randy. I haven’t had enough energy, so yes, that means I have less energy than before.

It’s this bloating thing -- just when I’m thinking maybe it’s getting better, I mean it still goes on all night but it doesn’t seem quite as disruptive, right? Someone’s knocking at the door -- oh, no, it’s the water delivery guy, showing up at 7 am, because yesterday the elevator was broken and I guess he’s coming here before his shift so he can bring the water up, I’m pulling my robe over my head, please stop. I mean day. He asks me if I’m alright. He’s always on speed, or something like speed, so he’s not looking for me to answer and I’m just thinking I have to cancel this, I have to cancel this water delivery if he’s going to wake me up, I mean this will ruin my life. I’ll have to find somewhere else.

And then I’m back in bed, at the Sea Colony, no first I’m just in bed thinking don’t let it ruin my life, don’t let it, I can fall back asleep, it’s okay, because just before the knock at my door was when I was awake but drifting, just about to drift into that space that will save me and then finally. No, there’s someone at the door, but then finally, finally there’s the dream that’s weird enough to make me think okay, I did fall asleep, and then I hear people moving around upstairs, maybe later than usual, but it’s still before 10 am so I close my eyes again and think about the beach, which must have something to do with the dream, I was living at the Sea Colony, that place I went with my parents as a kid, where we had a beach condo, that place that felt like freedom as all colonies must feel for someone.

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