Thursday, July 01, 2010


I hate it when I tell someone I’m exhausted, and they say: but you’re always tired, right? In this case, it’s my grandmother, who wishes I could find a doctor who would help me. I tell her I don’t have much hope in doctors, and at least she says: I can see why.

She thinks maybe I need more stimulation -- no, I need to feel better. I mean, what happens when I do something stimulating is that I crash so hard and then it’s not worth it, really it’s not worth it. Probably that’s why I feel so awful today -- the last few days I was shooting my new film with Gina, and we had our screening, and now I feel like I can’t do anything at all. Because of this bloating, and my sleep, my lack of rest, when will it end?

Meanwhile, I’m waiting for this guy to come over from craigslist, the same one I was chatting with last week or the week before, whenever that was, the one who lives a block away, did he get lost in the shower? I’m not waiting for him while I’m on the phone with my grandmother -- it’s already the next day, the next day and I think maybe I have a libido, until I’m waiting.

Oh, a new email: “sorry, i got a nasty sunburn on my face at pride and it's decided to start peeling today. so gross.” What does that mean? I’m not even horny anymore -- if I ever was horny. There are 15 emails from this guy in my inbox -- and way more on that stupid cruise site -- that’s right, this isn’t from craigslist, it’s from somewhere even worse. I already feel like I need to go back to bed.


kayti said...

what is your new film about? Is it shot all in one day?

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Two days, all from my fire escape -- and it's kind of like a consolidated version of lostmissing in a way -- no posters, though, just images and a voiceover -- I think it will be beautiful, although we won't be actually making it into a movie for a few years probably, since Gina has two big projects to finish first -- I just wanted to get the footage now, while Gina was visiting from New York, since it might be the last time she visits me in this apartment, since at some point I'm leaving...

Love --