Wednesday, July 28, 2010

What desire feels like, again

It must’ve been a few weeks ago when I woke up from a dream, coming in my sheets. I mean I woke up just as I was coming. It was a dream about my father. In this dream he was trying to force his dick into my throat, pushing harder and harder while grabbing the back of my head and choking me, my throat burning with the tension it was like I was me now but his dick had grown with me, so it was just as large proportionally as when I was a kid but not as terrifying. There was fear, fear that I might choke or that my throat might rip if I couldn’t get away but before there was fear there was desire or maybe there was fear and then there was desire and then fear again, but even when there was fear it wasn’t like the terror when I was a kid it was just fear. And I’m not sure if my father came before giving up, no he did come. He didn’t give up, he must have come in my throat and I can’t remember that but then afterwards I stood up and I was jerking off and I looked my father in the eyes and said put your hand under my balls and he looked surprised by my desire and sudden control and that’s when I came in my sheets.

I realize this is part of a series of dreams, dreams where there’s some element of me as me now in a sexual scenario with my father. Sometimes he tricks me in some way by getting rid of everyone else so we’re alone but there’s some way that I maintain a sort of control. Sometimes I chase him into the bathroom. Sometimes I decide I’m going to have sex with him, just so I can see what his dick looks like, and then I wake up and think oh good, he’s dead so I can’t make that decision.

In this dream I don’t have that control except for the rush of desire at the end, a rush of desire I can remember now and then all these dreams become part of my lived experience in some way that relates to the fact that lately I barely have sex at all. I mean I’m horny for like five minutes, and then it’s over. Or, I cruise online, and then I just get depressed. I hooked up with someone from craigslist a few weeks ago, right? Or was it a month?

The other day I tried again -- it’s always worse when they say they want someone sweet, when they say that’s the most important thing, and then in this case this guy even compliments my hot pink socks in the picture and I think they would go with his hot pink tie, I mean if they were hot pink but actually they look red to me. But anyway we make plans, but then an old friend of his calls, that’s what he says and I say that’s okay, friends are more important than cruising online, right? He says we should get together another time, and then of course he doesn’t respond again.

So I go to the Nob Hill Theatre. I haven’t been there in over a month. I think about it, but then it just seems like whatever might happen there won’t be what I want to happen, so why even go? It’s true that my libido is almost entirely situational, I can see someone and get that rush but then when I don’t see them anymore I don’t care. Or, I do care, but I don’t have that rush.

Now the Nob Hill Theatre charges five dollars for the video booths, so I ask if that means they don’t yell at us to put money in the machine. There are more people there than I expected, although I’m not sure what I expected, since I rarely go there this early. Now they actually close at 12:30 am on weekdays, instead of 2:30 am, but I guess now I go to bed at 10 anyway.

The good news is that I go in the booth with some guy and I suck his cock, no wait first I suck his cock through the glory hole and then I ask if he wants to come in my booth, and then he does, grabs the back of my head just like I want and comes fast down my throat so I hardly even notice, I mean I don’t taste it first, and then he says you’re so hot, thank you. He says that’s something I’ll remember, and then I get that other rush, the one that’s better than the rush of desire, the one that says I’m here, this is me, I am all of this. The one that makes me feel invincible, at least until I stay a few minutes too long, jerking off to the porn and the guy in the booth next to me until I see his face when he looks through the hole, too many edges and the porn stops know the porn is still going on but I can hardly even remember what desire feels like, again.

No comments: