Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Legacy

I’m lying in bed, getting more and more exhausted. Which wouldn’t be a problem, if I hadn’t been in bed already for 12 hours. Time to get up? Time to get up? Time to get up?

At least the weather is back to normal -- or, normal for me, anyway -- cool and foggy -- but my sinuses are stuck somewhere else. Or, maybe that is normal, for me. There was a lot I wanted to write about earlier, but now I can’t remember. No, I can remember, it’s just that the thoughts aren’t connecting. Maybe that means I don’t remember. I do remember all the pain when I was in bed, especially in my biceps, how can there be so much tension in my biceps? But now that’s dissipated -- let’s talk about it later.

Here comes the sun, which means I’m on the fire escape, breathing in all this energy, the wind clearing my head. But only until I get back inside.

Delusion time: I’m in my head, planning out everything I’m going to write. But then I’m out of my head, no I’m still in my head but everything else is too hard to put into words, to pull out and give you, give me. I just got up, but I’m ready to go back to bed. Even though it didn’t help -- what makes me think it will help this time?

The sun was helping, until it starting to feel too hot, and then I got exhausted again, but I still thought maybe I could write, I mean write more than this, but I guess not right now. I don’t feel like going on a walk, but I guess I’ll go on a walk. I’ve been pretty successful lately at going on two walks per day, so I want to keep up the trend. Maybe first I’ll lie down and listen to a feldenkrais CD from the series about mouth and jaw, that one was really helpful yesterday when my arms were hurting so much and then I would try to take a break from doing things with my arms, but then I would end up editing or looking through the catalog of my grandmother’s art because my mother wants to donate all the works in the university collection that are still in her name, for a tax deduction, but I guess I get to choose the ones I still want in my name. I actually want them to stay in the collection, but I have a fantasy that eventually I’ll have a big show for my grandmother, or I’ll get a museum to have a retrospective, or something like that. I don’t know if that will really happen, but I figure it’s better to keep at least some of my favorite paintings under my control, just to have some influence. Influence with the university, to do the things she would’ve wanted. Small things, like ensuring that everything that’s on display is illuminated with track lighting. That’s actually in the contract, the contract that doesn’t say much.

They told her they were going to create a permanent wing in their new museum for her art. That’s definitely not in the contract. The art is in its own area, but in a conference center. It looks beautiful, in between meeting rooms where are all the art in the university’s collection is displayed, and they’re displaying it well, but who goes to see it? I guess I’m going to have a conversation with them, finally -- since now my mother thinks it’s a good idea. She sold most of my grandmother's art, even some of the paintings I set aside, maybe even the most important ones, to me I mean -- they actually weren’t the ones she liked. She sold everything at auction, for pretty much nothing. I guess the point of the university collection is to keep my grandmother’s legacy safe, but I’m not so sure.

I guess I was able to write more than I thought -- it did feel relaxing, but now my arms are hurting again, I guess it’s something about the position I’m sitting in. Okay, time to lie down.

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