Thursday, August 19, 2010

Something else

It’s really quiet at this time of the day, 9:55 am and I can hear the space heater whirring. When Donna said maybe you didn’t want to allow your body to experience pleasure, I thought enough with that New Age garbage, but now I’m thinking about it, maybe there was an element of that in this holding pattern. When I was a little kid I liked to eat everything-- sausage and cheesecake and candy and who knows what else -- everything I later realized I couldn’t eat, when I realized I couldn’t eat. I mean when I became anorexic. So I guess there was a denial of pleasure in that way.

But then I think about the feeling in my head when eat those sour balls, crunching on candy after candy in the classroom is that same feeling with my chin up in the air, eyes rolling back. Escape from my body. And now, in the bathroom, I wonder about this tucking of my pelvis forward, what happens when I let it go is that I can breathe more but then I feel that thing down there, stomach, I want to tuck that back in. That’s definitely from the period of anorexia, I was always pulling my belt tighter, trying to push everything in.

But if eating the food made me leave my body, and deciding not to eat made me own my body but leave too, when did I feel pleasure in my body? I’m not sure if I learned that as a kid. I do remember playing with my feet, that was fun but my parents always said don’t play with your feet, they’re dirty. When I put my foot in my lap now and touch my toes I do get a little kid feeling, not that dark hopelessness from childhood that I know so well but that light in my eyes.

Still, my eyes do roll back for that too. In a softer way. Same thing when I touch my fingers -- it calms me and I close my eyes, head pulling back up into the sky.

There’s the feeling when I start to have sex, when I’m in a public sex space going from one to another and then I get that charge like I’m everywhere at once, I haven’t experienced that in while and I’m not sure when it will happen again. I wonder what my eyes do then. It’s confusing to think about these patterns, but kind of exciting too.

Actually what Donna asked was to notice when I speed up, what does my body do then? Then I stop breathing, definitely. And the rest of this pattern: any one thing can start it, but the rest happens too, that’s what she said, and I think she’s right. So, does that mean that when I stop breathing because I’m excited, the same thing happens as when I stop breathing because I’m scared? Or, when my eyes roll back from pleasure, it’s similar to the way my eyes roll back in a stressful situation? I have no idea.

See, there: I just noticed that I stop breathing. What happens when I take a breath? Then I feel tired. That’s the other part: this need to keep pushing, in order to do anything at all. I do mean anything. It’s easier to relax in my house, but still when I get ready for a task I guess it’s the same thing: either I suddenly get wired, and then I actually think I have energy, or I stop breathing and push anyway. I mean either way I stop breathing. I guess the point is to notice, and then you can start again, right?

Dolphins can kill themselves by deciding to stop breathing. Was that what I was trying to do as a kid? I did want to disappear, but I wanted to disappear so that I could go on living. I wanted to crawl through walls like the mice in our house, without the traps that my father put out for them. Later, when I wanted to appear, I don’t think I started breathing more. I just sped up. Somewhere there’s something in the middle, no maybe it’s not the middle but something else.

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