Monday, August 09, 2010

This pattern

There must be something I can do about this pattern, this pattern on a good day. On a good day, where I wake up feeling like I can do so much, before. Before I eat, that is.

I almost start thinking that fasting for a day would be a good idea, until my hypoglycemia switches into the frantic part, that part just before a crash, and it’s only been a little over an hour since I got up. So then I eat.

My food does look pretty today. I’m trying to eat slower, to notice exactly how my body is reacting. Like, when my eyes roll into my head, which food is causing that?

It’s hard to tell, because first it’s one thing, and then it’s the other. Now I’ve had one meal, though, and I still feel okay. One meal that just leads to the next, and then the next, and then the next, at this time of day where basically I have to eat constantly for several hours in order to function at all. See, it’s only been five or 10 minutes since I stopped eating, and already I’m getting that frantic feeling in my head that means I need more, just to stay grounded. There’s a part of me that just wants to go with that frantic feeling, but I know that only leads to disaster.

But wait -- maybe my eyes are always rolling into the back of my head -- when I relax, it feels that way too. Maybe it’s not an allergy at all. Or, maybe it’s an allergy to everything. The feldenkrais practitioner notices that when I get scared of a certain movement I do that too. Like I’m dissociating, she says. But also when I’m trying to concentrate. And, when I’m relaxed.

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