Thursday, August 12, 2010

Worse

Sometimes sleep can be so delusional, dreams at the end that left me with this feeling that I could move through everything, everything could move through me, I could move. Or, even before that, when I was awake and wired, trying to fall back asleep, I still thought, with my mind racing, that maybe I was getting better, maybe the bloating wasn’t as bad, still going on all night but not to such an extreme that it feels disruptive, I mean that’s what I was thinking when I was awake and wired, trying to fall back asleep. But then I’m awake, and the bloating’s worse. And I feel awful, like I haven’t slept at all. Or no: I know I’ve slept, because of this headache, this headache from sleep.

My grandmother wants to know if I’ve seen the doctor. No, I haven’t seen the doctor, what’s the point of seeing the doctor? The last doctor I saw said to take medication for heartburn, and I don’t have heartburn. No, that wasn’t the last doctor -- I went to the doctor a few weeks ago, and she didn’t have any ideas at all. So I gave her some ideas -- tests that we looked up and then she supposedly ordered the kits, but I think it’s been almost 3 weeks and I keep calling, but I don’t get any real response, and then I keep calling.

Then there’s the acupuncturist, who thinks I should keep taking the herbs, even though they make the bloating worse. Because everything makes it worse, she says, so you don’t actually know what’s causing it. In a way that’s true, but it’s also true that the herbs make the bloating worse, and actually the time when I felt the worst was when I tried that first formula, the one that dried me out and maybe me constipated and edgy, that’s when my brain started getting wired in the middle of the night again. She thought I should keep taking that formula too. This one doesn’t hurt me as much, but does that really mean is helping? What’s next?

Last night in bed, in bed when I was wired, I did think that maybe the acupuncture was helping, helping at least to give me more energy in my head, energy to edit my new book and do radio interviews and work on the Lostmissing book but actually that’s the same energy I always have, energy that’s only in my head, I can channel it for a little while and then I just feel worse. Like today.

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