Monday, August 23, 2010

Your shadow on the wall

Sit with your back to the sun and watch your shadow on the wall. When you inhale, the shadow expands. Somehow this can be comforting.

I can’t figure out what the hell makes the bloating better or worse. For a few days it felt better, not better like it went away or anything -- it still went on for at least 15 hours, but it felt less stuck. I started thinking maybe this new probiotics supplement I’m taking was helping, in a subtle way. But then last night suddenly it was worse, way worse. Even though, when I went on my walk before bed I succeeded in walking slowly, the way I felt, exploring the fatigue that somehow didn’t feel exhausted but clear and calm. And the calm continued when I got back -- I thought maybe tonight, tonight I’ll actually sleep well.

Then the bloating started, just as I was getting ready for bed, but I got a hot water bottle and stayed calm anyway. Then as soon as I got in bed I was wired, and the bloating continued all night, which it always does, but it was way more extreme. So now I’m trying to figure it out. Maybe because I ate some beans with vegetables in them that weren’t yet cooked for a while. Or, something about black-eyed peas? Or what grain was I eating yesterday? Whole oats -- maybe it was the whole oats?

Anyway, I’m back out on the fire escape. Something about the combination of sun on my skin and eating means that my mind is racing in all these different directions: maybe I’ll do a whole series of prose poems like the one I wrote for the Persistent Voices reading -- maybe it will be a series of queer works, a history through the interaction of these texts through me. Maybe I’ll interview that publisher, and that author, and that other author I was thinking about.

It’s almost like I’m not there on the fire escape at all, but somewhere in my head, as soon as I start eating. Even just with the sun, once it starts to wire me. I pause for a moment, and look out at the buildings, the way the softer light has become harsher, the fog has cleared and it feels kind of hot, even though it’s probably no warmer than 65. If I move to the Southwest then I wonder if there will be too much sun.

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