Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Again

Even homeopathy, the gentlest of medical traditions, can make everything worse. I started a new remedy on Friday, and it did clear my head a bit, improved my mood, but then the bloating got worse. Much worse. It moved up into my stomach, and I woke up the other day with so much pain it was hard to walk. My sleep has gotten worse too -- I wake up completely wired at 5 or 6 am, trying to comfort myself by saying that now at least when I wake up wired it’s still dark, easier to fall asleep. Except it’s not easier.

But I want to tell you about the dream where I’m in an amphitheater filled with people on all sides -- Magdalena leans over from maybe 10 people away, and says what do you want from this circle? Somewhere nearby is Zee, and Jen Cross way across on the other side, and when I wake up I think about these people from my past, present, and future and think oh, that’s what I want: a circle. All this pain and exhaustion keeps me isolated and then there’s my self-imposed exile from everything drains me, just so I can function. I feel more a part of something every time I leave San Francisco, meet random people who really to my work or dreams. I want to feel a part of that something again, not just a broader something out there in the world but something in my everyday life. Not a life so isolated, intersections with friends here and there. This is part of why I’m leaving, and maybe in leaving I can sense more of this circle.

But then I feel myself getting worse, how will I feel better if my health gets worse? I want to clear this bloating before I leave, but it becomes more and more ingrained and I don’t even know what to do, what to look for -- I know what to hope for, but hope is not enough, in spite of what certain people tell you. I can hope that I have enough energy to write what I want to today, even as my energy fades-- I mean before my energy fades. Once it fades, I just feel faded, sinus tension, struggling with my eyes to keep them open and pull these thoughts together. This I can write about, just briefly before I lose my energy again.

5 comments:

John said...

Thinking of you Mattilda!

Have you tried Supta Virasana (reclining hero pose)? Sometimes that has helped me a lot. It's also one of the few yoga poses that you can do any time, including right after eating. Maybe it would be one of those times where a little warm droplet of "better" would spread.

Love, John

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Thank you, John -- I used to do a lot of yoga, but then he got to point where I couldn't figure out how to do yoga without having it give me more pain, rather than less, but I'll look up that pose and see if it might be helpful, for sure...

Love --
mattilda

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Oh, no -- that pose looks tantalizing but truly impossible for me right now -- I used to be able to do things like that, but now that would just be pain pain pain pain PAIN...

Love --
mattilda

John said...

OH! I should have added that there are also modified versions of it, which are the same but much gentler - like, you just lie so that your chest and head are supported, perhaps by a blanket, and the abdominal area is relaxed and open. I think that gives the "organ" area more space to breathe, helps stretch the muscles along there, and helps blood to flow in that direction.

Then again, I'm just being intuitive. (i.e. talking out of my ass...at least in the sense that I don't even know all your symptoms, etc., and am a musician not a physician.)

And OMG, I took a flight yesterday from Detroit to LaGuardia, and the guy in the seat next to me was reading Edmund White, Ned Rorem, other gay thingies. So I decided to one-up him, whipping out your SMWTSB book. I was going to read it anyway on the plane, but a side benefit is that it was fun to have chapters about come facials right under his face.

xoxo John

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Yay -- you did one-up him, thank you!!!

Love --
mattilda