Monday, September 06, 2010

Annihilation and escape

Ouch, all this pain -- where is all this pain coming from? My intestines, I guess. I don’t understand sleep. The first time I woke up thinking maybe now, maybe now just because I feel so awful but it’s not getting better. Not the pain in my intestines -- I didn’t notice that until I got up. Then it was just the feeling in my head, will this ever get better I don’t think it will get better maybe I’ll just get up. I looked at the clock -- too early, or maybe not too early. Plenty of time to continue resting, or trying to rest, I’ll keep trying.

At least there was that moment where my father pulled the shower curtain tighter, after I asked him to give me the first layer, which was my laundry bag, he slid it through and I wondered about how tight he was pulling the curtain, not the curtain to the actual shower but the curtain that was the door, and then I wondered if he was reading my blog. Sometimes I wonder about other people, pretty much everyone else I’ve wondered about at one point or another, but never my father, until now.

In the other room, my sister’s sleeping, maybe we can all sleep, maybe I can sleep, and somewhere in here I realize I’m sleeping, maybe not until I wake up more and realize oh, hilarious, I thought I was still awake but I was wondering if my dead father was reading my blog, because of how tight he pulled the curtain door vinyl thing that was the same as my laundry bag. And then I got out of bed, into all this pain.

No, first I was wondering if I’ll ever wake up without the smell of burning charcoal surrounding me, that’s what it smells like in my apartment. I mean I will, I will wake up without that smell, somewhere else. Although in Santa Fe, will I smell all the wood-burning fireplaces -- everyone seems to have one, I think it’s a status symbol. And then I get out of bed, into all this pain.

There’s the fire escape -- today it’s no escape it all. I’m thinking about escape. I did move somewhere else primarily for health reasons, once -- Provincetown. I was living in New York and it was the third or fourth summer and I thought there’s no way I can ever live here in the summer again, I need to go somewhere with fresh air where I can exercise a lot and still turn tricks for a living, and that’s how I ended up in Provincetown. Provincetown is beautiful -- I’ll give it that. Definitely the most beautiful place I’ve ever lived -- it’s way out there surrounded by water and oh the light, I’ve never seen so many different colors of sky that don’t just look like pollution. Walking through the dunes to the tidal pools to the ocean.

But then the culture of Provincetown, Provincetown in the summer, Provincetown in the summer and the most horrible gay people from all over the country -- fratboy realness assimilation nation. Beyond assimilation. What’s beyond assimilation? Annihilation. Some kind of proto-straight gay identity that made Chelsea clones look edgy. The way gay identity could become nothing but a rabid quest for sameness combined with a delusional fever for the emptiness of consumerism masquerading as escape. And then that New England close-minded cliquishness, vapid racist misogyny sex-closeted normal-crazed xenophobic

Anyway, that’s where all this pain started -- I mean where it became so unbearable that I couldn’t function, starting with the pain in my wrists and now I’m moving for health reasons again. I guess I moved back to San Francisco in part for health reasons -- I wanted healthier air and queers I could relate to and hookers who politicized sex work and a sex life without walls. I got the first three, for a while at least. That’s one of the things I’m thinking about now -- there are plenty of amazing people here, but that doesn’t mean I feel connected, held, hopeful. The truth is that I might not feel that anywhere, I mean unless I can feel more energy first, more energy to engage. Although sometimes feeling connected, held, hopeful can give you energy, right? Yes yes of course -- although often with me it feels like everything ends up draining me, everything.

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