Wednesday, September 29, 2010

As perfect as I could imagine

The reading was amazing. It was perfect, really. So many people from all different parts of my life here, including many surprises and new people too and so much emotion and support in the room. It made me feel like I’m here, more here actually, which wasn’t exactly what I expected and it was beautiful.

The Q&A was great -- I felt vulnerable and appreciated, even though today I woke up re-wording some of my responses, thinking of things I might’ve said, going around and around in my head, and eventually maybe I’ll write more but for now I’ll just write that.

Today I’m a mess, but that’s to be expected. I guess that means that the reading wasn’t perfect, because now I’m so exhausted, but I guess what I’m saying is that I knew that would happen, and so the reading still felt perfect. I mean as perfect as I could imagine. I could feel my back starting to hurt during the reading, something about how I stand, pressing forward into the podium, or all the exertion and not breathing enough and now it’s time to rest.

Okay, now I went on a walk, tried to take a nap, started pacing around my apartment because I couldn’t figure out what to do and then I fell into bed and started crying because I felt so exhausted, but not enough crying to feel like much release, laid in bed and looked at the pretty colors on my walls, got up and read a few pages of a few books and hurt my hands again, tried to think of what to do when I feel this exhausted, and I can’t do much of those dangerous activities like reading and writing and sitting at the computer. I’m too tired for another walk, can’t decide whether it would give me energy or drain me to sit on the fire escape, and I’m not sure about the phone either. I keep thinking about craigslist, but we all know that won’t give me any energy. Maybe time for a feldenkrais CD.

That helped. It really helped. Now I’m tempted to write all the things I couldn’t write earlier, but already my body is starting to hurt again from reading a few more pages, responding to a few emails, sitting at the computer, so now I’ll go outside into the fresh air yes the air finally feels fresh again -- or fresher, anyway -- and then I’ll see what happens.

4 comments:

Campbell said...

The first part makes me happy!

Fresh air always helps me, not that I know what it's like to have fibromyalgia! I can't imagine coping with that.

Maybe it would help to try some therapy even though you're moving soon? I don't know why I'm suggesting that though because therapy makes me feel worse.

I hope the cooler air has helped a bit. It cooled off and rained for a split second in LA! I always feel a release and a reconnection with it rains...a fresh start maybe. :-)

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Campbell, yes I always like fresh air -- they'll be lots of that in Santa Fe, and that part will be exciting, for sure...

And guess what? I did decide to call this therapist who I saw about eight years ago, to see if I could cry about Chris or feel some kind of release, and I'm going to see her tomorrow, so we'll see how that works.

And yes, rain in LA is like something incredible -- although so rare, right?

Love --
mattilda

Campbell said...

That's so great! I hope the therapy helps you find release and some closure so you can have a fresh start in Santa Fe! :-)

Campbell

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Thanks, Campbell -- I hope so too, although it will only be a few sessions -- hopefully I'll find some exciting healthcare practitioners in Santa Fe, though :)

Love --
mattilda